Arceus the Critic - Season One
by Imperator Justinian
Summary: After Mew destroys the Hall of Origin, Arceus decides to take up reviewing as a hobby. Based off of Keldeo the Critic.
1. Children of Creation

_(The ruins of the Hall of Origin are incredibly dark, but a silhouette of Arceus can still be made out in the midst of the darkness.)_

"Grovel in terror mortals!" a voice cried out presumably from Arceus, though it sounded a bit to high pitched to be his. "For I, the great and powerful-"

"MEW!" another voice shouted.

_(Light suddenly floods the area, revealing the Arceus to be nothing more than a dummy made out of rubble and Mew floating in front of it. The real Arceus then hovered over to Mew and started staring her down.)_

"I thought I told you to get back to work cleaning up!?"

_(Mew started sweating bullets as she tried thinking of an excuse for shirking work.)_

"B-But I did! I turned the rubble into a likeness of you!"

_(Mew then smiled as wide as possible and blinked a few times for good measure, only for Arceus to growl at her and send the rubble flying. She then quickly flew off, getting the message Arceus was sending.)_

"I'm awfully sorry about that, Mew has a habit for- well- anything that does not involve hard work. And as you can probably gather she's made a mess of my home."

_(Arceus then looked around at the smoldering, rubble filled ruins of what used to be the Hall and then over to Mew who was trying to move a boulder with a broom and dustbin.)_

"Anyway, I have decided to take up reviewing on recommendation from a few other Legendaries as a hobby. So I think it is fitting to review a story about starts for my start as a Critic."

"Before I begin though, I would like to apologize to FuneralBell for not putting in the period in your pen name (between the Funeral and Bell). For some odd reason whenever I do insert the period and save Fanfiction deletes the entire name."

**Arceus the Critic**

**"Children of Creation" by FuneralBell**

* * *

_**Children of Creation**_

_Author: FuneralBell_

_Arceus watched them hatch from their eggs, from their first growl to their first step: his children of creation. And then, as the world shapes through the centuries, he wonders—as the trio drifts apart—where he went wrong._

* * *

This story is essentially a three act play. Act One involves me making the Pokemon World, Act Two is about me raising Palkia, Diagla and Giratina, and Act Three is watching them tear each other to shreds and concludes with me exiling all of them.

_(Arceus then rolled his eyes.)_

Doesn't _that_ sound like a happy ending?

* * *

_The three eggs rested on the glassy transparent tiles of the Hall of Origin, underneath rested heaps of rubble and volcanic ash constructing the world's rugged structure – he realized the world was lacking, he knew there could be so much more to 'Earth,' so many aspects to be filled._

* * *

I think rubble and volcanic ash is good enough. It's not like Pokemon or Humans have any need for water or grass anyway.

* * *

_When he began to shape the world—after learning slowly and gradually how to harness his powers during growth—_

* * *

_He is effective against all types._

_He once went on a rampage for the sake of it._

_His voice can be anything he wants._

_He is... The Most Interesting Pokemon in the World._

_(The scene suddenly changes to a fancy restaurant, with Arceus sitting on a ridiculously over-sized leather booth. A spanish guitar can be heard being played in the background.)_

I don't always create planets. But when I do, I am completely inexperienced and liable to create an utter mess. Stay reckless, my friends.

* * *

_The Original One set the three plates aside—the stone plate, the earth plate, and the fire plate—in a far corner away from the eggs. Despite no particular attraction set in the Hall, Arceus hoped the infants, if hatched while his presence was absent, would not destroy the elemental plates. The alpha jumped over the blackened mountains, once he reached the peak he planted his golden hooves on the thick rocky mass, a large square lining engraved in the stone, out of reach from the lava steadily overflowing the mountain again. Craning his neck, readying a ball of concentrated white energy a few centimeters away from his face, he snapped back his focal direction, the beam blasting into the crooked square embedded on the earth._

_Out of curiosity he blasted a new hole into the mountain, his hooves running a single streak that would conflict with the lava._

* * *

So I just blast a hole in the middle of a mountain and hope for the best? The problem here is that while I have the power and foresight to create and design the three creatures who would ultimately become my biggest source of grief-

_(Arceus then looked over to Mew, who had rearranged the rubble like a Jungle Gym.)_

-second biggest source of grief- I don't have the power or the foresight to know what I am doing with the world I am creating.

Anyway, after I create water I head back to the Hall of Origin, which is really just a glass platform at this time, in time to watch the first two eggs hatch.

* * *

_The small creature barely able to stand on its four legs cried softly, its blue body colored in brighter blue stripes, a winged-like structure near its tail, its head decorated with gray protruding crest, three pointed gray spines on its neck, the chest plate bright and glimmering – half of its body was covered with a new structure never seen before. Arceus called it 'metal'_

* * *

Oh, so I didn't know what I would come out of the eggs either? So basically my carefully constructed, master plan for designing the world and the Creation Trio was a shot in the dark?

_(Weird Al: Dare to be Stupid!)_

* * *

_Unlike the first newborn hatched from its egg, the newer being was armored completely by the same material as Dialga; the only discoloration from its purple lined armor was the grayish colored underarms and waist. Its back decorated with metallic like-wings, two arms and two legs unlike the Original Being's and Dialga's all fours, and unlike its sibling it did not cry, rather it stared at the alpha with its own set of red irises. Just like Dialga it did not take long for the new being to unleash its power, its arm slashing in what seem like nothing before jumping in a overlooked vortex. Arceus panicked, Dialga was just giggling childishly, his eyes searching for the disappearing infant._

* * *

Well that was quick. They just hatched and I already lost track of one of them.

_(Arceus then sighed.)_

They grow up so fast.

Well Palkia drops onto my back from another vortex, and I decided to wait for the third egg to hatch before I create a metal plate from Dialga and Palkia.

* * *

_For his child of creation, Arceus was pondering whether he should create a special item to individually enhance their skills._

_…When they grow older and less destructive._

* * *

In addition to this being a title drop, this is also the first of many times in this story where I will be wrong.

* * *

_Palkia crawled on Arceus' mane, its sharps claws accidentally leaving scratch marks deep within the pink skin underneath the white coat, but he tolerated the pain for his children's amusement. Resting on the platform tiles, Arceus dangled one hoof above Dialga, the blue creature pleasingly trying to clamp the golden pointed hoof with its front legs. While Palkia was pleasingly crawling over the golden wheel around Arceus' abdomen, the Original Being allowed Dialga to nibble on its hoof while he stared off into the distance where the third egg lied._

_It was unmoving. It showed no signs of hatching._

_Arceus was tempted to disturb time to see when the third egg will hatch, but he shook his head indignantly. He decided to wait, adamantly against cheating the birth of a new life to be seen earlier than it should._

* * *

So I wait a while for the egg to hatch while Dialga and Palkia continue to use me as a playground, but I get impatient. So I apparently only have one option left: Smash it.

_(Arceus' eye then twitches and he growls.)_

WHY!?

Am I incapable of looking inside the egg to see if it stillborn? Or even just go forward in time to see if it will hatch? Sure, I didn't want to "cheat the birth of a new life" but I think knowing if that life will ever come to be is more important than cheating it.

So right before I smash it, this turns into a CSI: Miami episode and the egg moves literally right before my hoof comes down to crush it.

_(Phoenix Wright: Hold It!)_

Disaster averted!

* * *

_The egg fell forward on the clear tile, shattering a large portion of the egg. Arceus frantically poked his head in the egg shell, pushing aside the pieces to see the infant a month late to birth. A sharp red claw pricked Arceus' head; the sudden jolt of pain had Arceus back away cautiously. Ghostly black wings flapped, three red claw-like objects resting on its wings, its body entirely compromised of gray, red, and black with bands of gold around its six legs and half-bands around its long neck. Like its siblings it shared the gleaming red eyes and head crest, although golden-yellow rather than gray-steel._

_Arceus tried to brush of the wild disbelief he almost came close to crushing his child to death._

_Arceus nuzzled its head on the newborn's crest, he was overwhelmed with a mingled amount of excitement and relief a new being was able to live in the world shared by himself, Dialga, and Palkia. Giratina, he decided to call his child, mewled softly, returning the affection to its parent, its tail whipping left and right happily._

_The trio was his children of creation._

* * *

And another title drop. So after almost killing my own child, I nuzzle him and the four of us live in peace, ending Act One. Act Two starts off a few centuries later with me making more plates.

* * *

_Three plates were created shortly after the trio was united for the first time: the spooky plate, the draco plate, and the iron plate. He knew he had nothing to worry about, seeing as his children obediently listened to him and got along with each other fine, but he created two extra plates that would serve as an elemental advantage over his children. Dialga was already planned, but the zap plate—which, Arceus found out, helped fertilize the land when combining it with the other plates—was created for Palkia, the dread plate for Giratina. Having created the new plates, he eased the apprehensive feeling when he stared intently at his playful children._

* * *

_(Arceus then rolled his eyes.)_

Sure, I trust and love my innocent and harmless children, but I'm going to make something so I can easily destroy them if the need arises.

I will give this version of me credit though, since this is probably the only thing in this story that he did right... sadly.

* * *

_Giratina nudged its head underneath its parent's arm, its ghostly wings tucked close to its small body. Palkia rested on top of Arceus' head, Dialga nuzzled on the fur of its parent's neck and body. Palkia pointed to the night sky's moon brightening up a small portion of the Hall, excitedly Palkia urged Arceus to create tiny little lights to fill the dreary blackened sky, its sibling eagerly agreeing._

_Arceus could not deny his children's request, the creatures crawled a distance away to give their parent some space, and then the Original Being's eyes glowed intensely. The dark sky was filled with tiny specks of light, the 'stars' brightening the night. The trio jumped animatedly, in a flurry of childish energy they began to talk about the stars in the sky and eventually snuggled close to their parent._

_Arceus inwardly smiled warmly: a life full of happiness for his children was happiness enough for him._

* * *

_(Arceus sniffled for a moment, a distant look in his eyes. Mew heard him and floated over.)_

"Arceus... are you... crying?"

No, I am only reminiscing. Now, get back to cleaning up your mess!

_(Mew's fur stood on end and she quickly floated away.)_

* * *

_The white sky now painted in a light blue color from the new landmass filling with water: Arceus had no need for water, his children did however. Food was found abundantly on the trees and shrubs, but then began his worries with the reoccurring tendencies of his children._

_Dialga was the constant victim for their bullying, Palkia was becoming increasingly territorial, and the little Giratina he remembered from birth affectionately cooing to Arceus' head nuzzles was becoming severely hostile._

* * *

Dialga was the constant victim for their bullying? Have you seen the tenth movie!?

* * *

_He chose to believe the three beings were going through a phase, their emotions hiked to the highest peak during their first half millennium anniversary of their birth. Arceus could sigh in relief it has only been three centuries since his children breathed life, by the end of the millennium the trio would have mellowed down and returning to the once loving siblings they use to be._

_Arceus, the Original Being of Creation, was never more wrong._

* * *

I've been wrong on worse things.

_(Arceus then looked over to Mew, who was, to his amazement, actually working on fixing a wall.)_

Chief among them trusting Mew.

So after that piece of foreshadowing- maybe I should ask Keldeo if I could borrow that Munna for a bit?- we skip to the part of the story where all hell breaks loose.

* * *

_Dialga was blasted across the Hall of Origin by Palkia's hyper beam, the dual dragon-water type slashed the air before Giratina could overpower its shadow to immobilize the spatial being in place. Blood was shed as Giratina immobilized Dialga instead, its jaws chomping harshly on the time-user's tail, Dialga cried loudly from the searing pain delivered by both its siblings, gathering its wavering strength it roared loudly to escape the clamped maws of the dual ghost-dragon creature. The rippling roar disturbed time that several inactive volcanoes exploded ahead of time, nearly bringing down the wandering Arceus with it. In a frenzied dash, Arceus panted heavily, his glimmering red irises settling on beams of energy shooting around the Hall._

_Arceus rushed to the Hall, thoroughly disturbed Palkia and Dialga were shrieking in pain Giratina's legs were pressed on their necks, the look in his creation's eyes simply murderous and without a trace of remorse. Arceus demanded Giratina to free his children with a mighty growl; the dark creature regarded him with a passive look of disinterest._

_Palkia sunk its claws into the flesh of Giratina's leg, with a yelp Giratina raised its legs, cursing under its breath as the pain pulsated through its leg. Palkia pounced, blasting Giratina directly on its face with hyper beam. Dialga, severely weakened by the abuse inflicted from both Palkia and Giratina, watched the two with a flaring resentment. The two beings collapsed from exhaustion, Dialga spat at them with a weak kick before curling up in a ball to rest._

* * *

Let me break this scene down. Now pay attention, this is very complicated.

The Creation Trio get into a fight, I come on the scene and prove how pathetic I am as a parent, Palkia bails Dialga out, and they all decide to take a nap before killing each other.

* * *

_His…What was happening to his precious children?_

* * *

They're tearing each other to shreds. Have you been paying attention?

So apparently I remain blissfully ignorant of my children's attempts to kill each other over the next few centuries, or just ignore it, until one night Giratina decides to launch a sneak attack.

* * *

_Giratina opened its jaws wide, firing deadly projectiles of aura spheres directly on the soft underbellies of its siblings, both of them taking equal amount of damage before reflexively standing in an upright position, backstepping cautiously to avoid their violent sibling. The pair was caught unaware, the moment they blinked Giratina disappeared without a trace. They searched around frantically; the shadow-user beast reappeared beside Palkia's shadow and slashed the dual water-dragon type ruthlessly with its claws. The noise cleared Arceus' disoriented vision, he stood upright and called to Giratina in hopes his child would return to its senses._

_Palkia caught itself in the air, angrily it blasted its hyper beam that skidded on the tiles and landed on the two unsuspecting pair blankly staring at their calling parent. Giratina flew into the air with its mighty ghostly wings, the beating flaps alerting Palkia to evade Giratina's long-range attacks._

_It stopped beating its wings as it hovered above Palkia, its weight sending its sibling crashing on the Hall's glassy transparent flooring. Palkia twitched, and then stopped moving. Giratina walked over Palkia, readying a battle stance against Arceus._

_—because Giratina was no longer within his control anymore._

* * *

_(Arceus rolled his eyes.)_

Really!? What gave you that impression I wonder?

This is usually the part where Keldeo would play that Portal quote, but I'll just have to make do with a roll of the eyes.

* * *

_"Judgment!" Arceus roared. The beams of light falling like projectiles down from the sky, cornering Giratina into submission, the beams felt like it was falling endlessly on Giratina that it pained the alpha to watch. Arceus turned his head away, ignoring the anguished cries of the dark beast._

_When it was all over, Arceus approached Giratina's twitching form._

_"You are banished from this world!" Arceus stated curtly, "To a world on the reverse side: the Distortion World."_

* * *

A few centuries overdue, but I'll take it nonetheless.

* * *

_Why did his children seek to hurt each other?_

_It was becoming such a fine world, their assistance helped him wonders, and they use to get along so well!_

_Dialga body slammed Palkia, sending the creature flying towards a mountain._

_Palkia snarled, it opened its mouth to fire its hyper beam in retaliation against the monstrous blue beast. Dialga dodged the incoming attack; the pair steadily hovered over the Hall._

_Arceus joined the creatures to the sky, their fighting cut short to silently gaze at their parent._

_"Out of my sight! Never come near the Hall of Origin!" Arceus bellowed, stressing every word venomously. When the two refused to acknowledge the order, both began readily preparing a hyper beam._

* * *

Once again I prove that I am completely ineffectual at controlling my children despite having easily bested Giratina not to long ago. So once I banish Palkia and Dialga, I toss aside the Adamant and Lustrous Orbs and create the last three plates before taking a look at the world one last time.

* * *

_In such a grand world now filled with life he could feel the void deep inside losing all his children to their madness, the loneliness he would have no other choice but to endure. The world would progress without the Original Being – he created enough plates, he would fall into a slumber only to be awakened by the flute he embedded deep within the earth. The world will be fine without Arceus…_

_…After creating the three original beings, and what they eventually became…_

_The world could do without anymore of his mistakes._

* * *

And with that melancholy note, this story is over. So what is my Judgement on it? It's good. While most of my complaints were against myself, mainly my incompetence when it came to creating the world and handling my sons, it was necessary to create the conflict and character, as well as explaining why I went into hibernation. Likewise the extent of my power and role in the Pokemon World varies per author, so I applaud the author for keeping me in character (even if that character was a weaker, indecisive version of me).

Likewise it was also very touching at the parts that it wanted to be, which only made the scenes where I am forced to exile my own children all the more painful. All in all, this story was very well written and emotionally powerful, as well as managing to explain a few of the events in the Sinnoh games that weren't clear.

Now, If you excuse me, I have to get back to fixing my home and I think Mew has started to goof around again. How many times will I have to tell her "don't shirk work"?

* * *

**THE END**

_**Credits**_

_The Wizard of Oz_

_The Most Interesting Man in the World_

_"Weird Al" Yankovic - Dare to be Stupid_

_CSI: Miami_

_Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney _

_Pokemon: The Rise of Darkrai_

_Keldeo the Critic- Season Two _

_Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time/Darkness/Sky_

**_Special Thanks_**

_Matthias Unidostres_


	2. Red Paper Fan

Greetings, I am Arceus, but I suspect you gathered that from the title. As many of you are probably aware, I am credited with the creation of Sinnoh (and in some circles the world), but there is a lesser known region I created called Ransei, the main focus of the spin off game Pokemon Conquest. Pokemon Conquest is a crossover between Pokemon and Nobunaga's Ambition, a historical-strategy game developed by Koei, though the character sprites are edited Samurai Warrior sprites (another game by Koei).

Pokemon Conquest itself is probably the most strategy oriented Pokemon game created, and while each Pokemon can only use one attack, you get to use up to six Pokemon at a time and terrain actually becomes a major factor in battle as well, forcing you to plan out your offense or defense accordingly. So today I'll be reviewing a Pokemon Conquest story.

**Arceus the Critic**

**"Red Paper Fan" by TheViolaBuddy**

* * *

_**Red Paper Fan**_

_Author: TheViolaBuddy_

_During a heat wave, Kunoichi and Yukimura leave Terrera, leaving Shingen and the rest of his army wide open to an attack. (Pokémon Conquest)_

* * *

The story itself is actually based on an old legend where Shingen, the main character in this story, fought off Kenshin with only an iron fan. So let's see if TheViolaBuddy can turn an old battlefield legend into an interesting Fanfiction.

* * *

_On the hottest day that Terrara had seen in decades, a messenger burst into Terrera Castle and bowed towards the white-haired man seated on the throne._

_"Lord Shingen!" the messenger said. "There's a heat wave in Terrera!"_

* * *

I'm not going to rip into this because in the game the same messenger will come in and report random events happening, a heat wave being one of them.

What I will rip into however is that for such a good writer, Viola couldn't have found a better way to communicate that instead of the messenger. It could have been as simple as Shingen complaining about the heat or even someone fanning themselves.

* * *

_At Shingen's left, a ninja warrior turned towards the ground- and rock-type specialist. "It really is far too hot," she said, fanning herself with a giant red paper fan. "And you know that Sneasel can't handle the heat that well."_

* * *

Ah, he did come through then.

As for Sneasel, I have a brilliant, completely unheard of idea for what you can do to help it.

_(Arceus then leaned in close, his voice becoming hushed.)_

Are you ready?

DON'T LIVE IN A DESERT!

_(The screen shook violently and the wall Mew was working on in the background crumbled.)_

For those of you who don't know or could not gather from the name, Terrera is the Ground Type Kingdom and a desert.

While this conversation is essential to the plot, it could have been handled a lot better, especially considering deserts are always hot.

* * *

_"Well, what do you suppose that I do, Kunoichi?" Shingen asked. "I'm sweating just as much as you are. Besides, we're in the desert, in Terrera. It's not supposed to be cold here."_

* * *

I want to thank Viola for satirizing himself and saving me the trouble of having to.

* * *

_The ninja frowned. "Well, if it's the fault of the desert, then I'm not going to stay here. Come, Sneasel. Why don't we get ourselves to Nixtorm? I'm sure Mitsuhide won't mind." She turned back to Shingen. "I hope it won't bother you if I take your blimp. Here, I'll give you this fan in exchange. I won't be needing it any more. See you later, Shingen!" With that, she threw the red fan at the Warlord of Terrera and got up, running out of the castle._

* * *

That fan is going to be important later, in case if you couldn't tell by the title.

And as for a blimp being in a story about a medieval legend, most of the fanfiction seems to differ on that point and many of the other modern features in Conquest. The timeline or setting is barely expounded upon in game, and the fact that Conquest, unlike the Mystery Dungeon games or the far less popular Ranger, is not represented in any other media does not help in the slightest.

So while TheViolaBuddy is keeping true to the features in the game, it doesn't serve to create a clear timeline. But then again, this story isn't about clarifying that issue.

Anyway, Shingen's Junior Warlord; Yukimura, offers to go catch his own bodyguard, but not before Shingen decides to pull his leg.

* * *

_Shingen cracked a smile, but immediately hid it. This was a perfect opportunity to make fun of Yukimura._

* * *

_(Arceus rolled his eyes.)_

Because when someone offers to help, the first thing that comes to mind is to pull their leg.

* * *

_"Yukimura?" The warrior shut up immediately. "I understand. You want to abandon your post. Just leave me here, all alone in this castle, with no one to take care of little old me, who am quickly approaching retirement." Yukimura raised his eyebrows in objection, but Shingen didn't let him speak. "Hey, if that's how things are between the Warlord and Junior Warlord, that's fine. I can find me a new Junior Warlord. My son Katsuyori is shaping up to be a real leader, wouldn't you say?"_

_Yukimura was silent in shock, and just stared wide-eyed at his lord, his Charizard's expression mirroring his._

_Shingen suddenly burst out laughing. "Oh, you should see yourself, Yukimura! The expression on your face—priceless! Go ahead; get Kunoichi to come back here. I'll be waiting here for you two." He grabbed Yukimura by the arm and shoved him out the front of the castle; Shingen's Rhyperior did the same with Charzard. "Bye!"_

* * *

One of Ransei's greatest strategists, Ladies and Gentlemen.

_(Recorded clapping can be heard in the background for a moment.)_

* * *

_Shingen sat back down on his throne and picked up the red paper fan that Kunoichi had left behind. "You know, Rhyperior, there's this thing called air conditioning that apparently keeps the temperature cool. Maybe we should look into that." Shingen sighed. "But apparently, it needs electricity to work. Do you think you could go to Violight and ask Ginchiyo about it, about how to get it installed in Terrera Castle?"_

_Rhyperior grunted and walked off, happy to be about to get out of the heat, if nothing else._

* * *

I can understand why a Sneasel would be affected by the heat, why a Rhyperior? It's part Rock, which is resistant to Fire and part Ground which is effective against Fire. The answer is because this is a plot device that could have been written better.

So now that Shingen's Army has been effectively cut in half due to Yukimura and Kunoichi running off and Rhyperior going off to do something that Shingen is perfectly capable of doing, Kenshin decides it's the perfect time to attack after hearing that from a "reliable source".

* * *

_"Well, darn," Shingen said as a messenger pointed out Kenshin's banner approaching Terrera. "This is a horrible time to be attacked. Half our army is gone." He turned around to the remaining three warriors under his control. "Katsuyori, Masatoyo, and Kei: prepare yourselves for battle. Rhyperior's not here, and I haven't bothered to link with any other Pokémon, so I can't go with you." He grimaced. "Just do your best. I don't know if we can win, but just try to hold the battlefield for as long as you can—and above all, have fun!"_

* * *

Well, that was quite the mood swing. Did he suddenly forget that he'll lose his castle if Kenshin wins?

_(Yoshimoto: Ohh, so the battle's over. No more fun...)_

* * *

_Kenshin and his five other warriors arrived at about the same time as Shingen's warriors. Upon seeing only three warriors greet him, Kenshin frowned._

_"Hey," he yelled across the battlefield. "Where's Shingen? Does he not think it fit to face his rival?"_

_"No, it's not that," said Katsuyori, Shingen's son. "He's still in the castle, since his Rhyperior—"_

_"He thinks he can just not show up for battle against his greatest nemesis?" Kenshin snapped._

* * *

Greatest and only nemesis.

* * *

_"Move out of the way. I'm going to go get him and drag him out here, if need be."_

_He shoved Katsuyori to the side and marched past Masatoyo and Kei towards Terrera Castle, Gallade following quickly._

_"My lord!" Kanetsugu shouted out. "I don't think it would be nice to do such a thing!"_

* * *

You know what else isn't nice? Deciding to attack someone who only has half an army!

* * *

_Shingen sat down in his throne and started to fan himself with the red paper fan Kunoichi had left him. He hoped Rhyperior would come back soon with some information about how to install the air conditioning. The heat wave was truly unbearable._

_And to top all off, Kenshin's army was attacking right now, and he couldn't participate—it was very likely that he would lose Terrera in this battle, making the air conditioning a moot point._

_The door to the throne room suddenly burst open, and an angry Kenshin stormed in, his Gallade at his heels._

_"Shingen, what wrong with you? You're just sitting here, fanning yourself on your throne like a king without a care in the world, while I'm here to challenge your army to a battle!"_

_"But Kenshin, I—"_

_"Gallade, use Psycho Cut to force him out to the battlefield."_

* * *

Wait, what!?

* * *

_"Gallade, use Psycho Cut to force him out to the battlefield."_

* * *

Did Kenshin suddenly become possessed by the King of Pokelantis? Not even Nobunaga ordered his Pokemon to attack the player- and his profile says he shows no mercy in battle, I'd like to point out- so what has suddenly overcome Kenshin?

* * *

_Gallade didn't hesitate. As the Perfect Link of Kenshin, it could understand his anger perfectly._

_Shingen could only lift up the red paper fan to shield himself from the purple blade-like energy that flew towards him._

_To everyone's surprise, upon hitting the fan, the Psycho Cut simply dissolved into thin air._

_"What?" Kenshin exclaimed._

* * *

Yes, a paper fan was able to stop a Psycho Cut.

_(Ferris Bueller: It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.)_

_(Arceus rolled his eyes.)_

Sure, the thing that everyone is surprised about is that a paper fan managed to stop an attack rather than the fact that Kenshin ordered his Pokemon to attack Shingen in the first place.

* * *

_Shingen glanced down at the flimsy device in his hand. It seemed far too fragile to withstand the force of a full-on attack from such a strong Pokémon. Turning the fan over, however, he noticed that the psychic move did not leave the fan unscratched. In the center of the reverse side, there was a blackened section, as if the fan had been burned by the attack._

_That was all the time Shingen had to study it, however, since Gallade leaped at him again. Deciding that Psychic moves would just be blocked by the fan, it slashed at Shingen in a Fury Cutter attack._

* * *

So this has escalated quickly from a friendly battle into attempted homicide. So what happens next?

_(Keldeo: I'll give you all three guesses and the first two don't count!)_

* * *

_Shingen raised the fan in an attempt to protect himself—and once again, the flimsy paper somehow managed to stop the fighting Pokémon's attacks in its tracks. Shingen, taking advantage of Gallade's surprise, pushed the Pokémon's blade to the side and rolled out of the way._

_Now angry, Shingen lashed out with his fan at Gallade. However, although the fan could apparently take hits, its attack did almost nothing to Gallade. Gallade just brushed aside the red paper fan and raised its other arm, about to strike down on Shingen._

_At this moment, the door to the throne room creaked opened. Kanetsugu and his Alakazam entered and shut the door._

* * *

Oh don't worry, take your time. It's not as if someone is being attacked or anything.

* * *

_The three Warriors and the two Pokémon in the room just stared at each other in surprise and confusion._

_"My… lord?" Kanetsugu stuttered. "Why is Gallade attacking Lord Shingen?"_

_Kenshin made no apparent response, but Gallade backed away from Shingen awkwardly, apparently ashamed._

* * *

Where was that shame while you were trying to kill someone!?

* * *

_"I made an error in judgment," Kenshin finally said._

* * *

An error in judgement!? Is that what you call nearly killing a man!? I'd hate to see what you would call a mistake.

* * *

_Suddenly, Kunoichi burst into the throne room, followed by Sneasel. "Hey, guys!" she said. "What's up?"_

* * *

How oblivious can you be?

_(Jerry Seinfeld: Nothing really, just a homicide.)_

* * *

_"See, Yukimura? Shingen is perfectly capable of defending himself. He was just joking when he said he was too old and tired to be Warlord any longer. He can go up against a Gallade with nothing but a red paper fan and be fine!"_

_"A ninja war fan," Yukimura said, pointing towards Shingen's hand. "That's the mark of the ninja on it."_

_Shingen looked down at the fan and found that indeed, the part of the fan that had been blackened by Gallade's Psycho Cut was in the shape of the mark of the kunoichi, a class of ninjas after which Kunoichi was named._

_Suddenly, he realized who had given the fan to him. Slightly disturbed, he turned towards Kunoichi. "You set me up for this attack, didn't you? You and Yukimura went away to leave me wide open for this attack, so that you could prove that I'm not old enough to retire. And you knew enough to leave me with this war fan to protect myself."_

* * *

And now for the big reveal that we all figured out in the previous paragraph:

* * *

_"Yep, that's right!" Kunoichi agreed. "Yukimura's been beating himself up about being not strong enough to have protected you from becoming weak, and I needed to show him that you aren't frail and old. I originally just wanted to get myself and Yukimura out of the castle, but the fact that Rhyperior left, too, was a nice bonus."_

_"I—I had nothing to do with this, my lord!" Yukimura protested. "I had no idea what Kunoichi was going to do! I had just gone to get her simply because I thought that you would want me to."_

_The ninja smiled. "It's true; he didn't know anything about this until just now. But I knew he would come after me. That's just how he is."_

* * *

I think it would be better if I just let AuraWielder do the double entendre jokes.

* * *

_"Wait a moment," Kenshin interjected. "Were you the anonymous person who told my ninja that we should attack?"_

_Kunoichi nodded. "Of course. How else would we prove Shingen's fighting capabilities? We needed to get someone to attack him—and who better to do so than his archnemesis?"_

* * *

Define attack please. Because if you mean nearly kill him, then yes, he is perfectly capable of fighting.

* * *

_Kanetsugu shook his head. "Kunoichi, you are a very odd person. I hate to see how Shingen's going to punish you after that little trick."_

_Shingen just threw his head back and laughed. "Kanetsugu, if you're surprised at this, you don't know Kunoichi at all. This is the sort of thing she does to me and Yukimura everyday. And you know what? It's worth it to see Yukimura's reactions!"_

_Everyone turned to Yukimura, who was standing awkwardly next to his Charizard, blinking at Kunoichi and Shingen in disbelief. "Thank you…?" he finally managed to stutter out hesitantly. "If it pleases my lord, I am glad to be a source of amusement for you."_

_"See what I mean?" Shingen asked, clapping Yukimura on the back. "In any case, don't we have a battle to fight right now? I don't think it'd be nice to let the others on the battlefield stay in this blistering sun for much longer."_

* * *

Really? That's it? You nearly get killed and still act as if it's nothing?

* * *

"_Actually," Kenshin said, "perhaps Kanetsugu was right when he told me that we shouldn't attack you when you're not a complete team. When your Rhyperior comes back, give me a call, and I'll be sure to come battle you fairly, a full six-on-six battle. How's that sound?"_

_Shingen smiled. "That sounds great. I'll be sure to do so." The two rivals shook hands, and Kenshin and Kanetsugu filed out of the castle._

_As soon as they were gone, Shingen snapped his head towards Kunoichi. "By the way, Kunoichi, you're not getting your red paper fan back. I really like it."_

* * *

Before I get to my Judgement, I actually want to tear into a part of the author's notes as well.

* * *

_I'd like to point out that both Yukimura's wife Kei and Kanetsugu's wife Sen are present in game. I cannot support, therefore, any other pairings with these Warriors in it._

* * *

Yes folks, Viola is a stickler for historical pairings despite the fact that neither characters are married in game and that Sen and Kei have no dialogue outside of battles, and yet he still puts in air conditioning and blimps into the already confusing, obviously historically accurate, story. I don't think that I have to expound upon that anymore.

* * *

And that finishes Red Paper Fan. So what's my Judgement on it? To be honest, I'm confused.

I mean my main complaints lay with the messed up timeline that isn't really expounded upon, and since this is Fanfiction this is a great opportunity to do so, but the story in general seems like a bad combination. The grammar is good, certainly far better than almost all of the other Pokemon Conquest stories, and the characters are developed well enough, but the emotions are shallow and inconsistent. The idea is a good one, an adaptation of a Sengoku legend, but the plot could have been executed a lot better as well.

All in all this is a decent story, but it seems to me that it's trying to find a balance between the lighthearted, fun and albeit confusing game and a serious legend when there shouldn't be one.

But Viola would also write more conquest stories better than this one, including two that are a crossover between Pokemon Conquest and Colosseum/XD respectively, and did it well enough that it was both believable and enjoyable.

Well, with that out of the way, I have to return to fixing my not so humble abode.

* * *

**The End**

_**Credits**_

_Pokemon Conquest_

_Nobunaga's Ambition_

_Samurai Warriors_

_Nostalgia Critic: Ghost Dad_

_Pokemon: Battle Frontier: Battling the Enemy Within_

_Ferris Bueller's Day Off_

_Keldeo The Critic- Season One_

_Seinfeld: The Masseuse_

_AuraWielder_

**_Special Thanks_**

_Matthias Unidostres_


	3. Comedic Scene 1

Mew floated through what was a hallway, though due to a lack of walls it could be considered nothing more than an extension to the wreckage of the Grand Hall, when she heard Arceus' voice coming from the wreckage of the room that hosted his computer. Come to think of it he had been on that computer a lot recently, though that might be contributed to the fact it was one of the only things that survived the explosion.

But Mewtwo had made it so that was not surprising. Didn't Mewtwo give it to him as a Christmas Gift? Now that she thought about it that was the only Christmas gift Arceus had gotten from one of the Legendaries. It was sad actually. Not sad enough that she would get him something but sad enough that it managed to stir up some form of pity in her.

As she edge closer she heard what sounded like someone else's voice. "So you've decided to take up reviewing as a hobby?"

"Yes, but I fear it is detracting from my work. That and I can't effectively watch Mew from a computer screen." the voice on the other end was silent before letting out an audible "hmm".

"Why don't you have her review a story? That way you could work on fixing your home and keep an eye on her?" It was Arceus' turn to pause before replying.

"That is not a bad idea, but I fear it that she will see it as a break. And as you know, she is currently being punished for this mishap and to let up would be unjust. Surely you of all people could appreciate that."

"Then why not have her review an awful one as part of her punishment?"

"That is... not a bad idea actually." Arceus replied.

"In that case I'm sending you a particularly painful one now." a few seconds later, Mew heard a ping coming form the computer. There was a short pause, Mew could only assume that Arceus was reading over her punishment before he replied.

"Sometimes you frighten me, Justinian."

"You were the one who asked for assistance. Anyway, I must return to my affairs, Bismarck is giving me grief again." Mew then tried to quietly float away from the scene, hoping to get as much distance between herself and Arceus as possible.

"Ah, Mew. Perfect timing. Since I assume you overheard everything, you can spare both of us the trouble and come in here." Mew's fur stood on end as he said that without even turning away from the computer screen, but she let out a defeated sigh and relented. She floated up to Arceus' side, only for him to start to explain what he wanted her to do. As he rambled on she took notice of a game box on the computer desk that read "Sid Meier's Civilization IV: The Complete Edition". Odd, she didn't think Arceus was one to play games.

"Did you get all of that Mew?" Mew nodded absentmindedly, still thinking about the game on Arceus' desk. Arceus then sighed, knowing she was not paying attention.

"Including the part about the race car and the Octillery?" Mew nodded absentmindedly again, oblivious to the completely random statement he had made up off the cuff.

"Just get to work." he muttered as he floated away towards the debris.


	4. 3N Times Life

Hi everyone! It's me, your favorite Psychic Type... Mew! Well apparently Arceus wants me to review this fanfiction as part of my punishment. How bad can it be?

_(One reading later...)_

_(Mew's fur is standing on end while her mouth is slightly hanging open and her left eye is twitching. She tries to mutter something only for a squeaking noise to come out. Finally she shook her entire body, and whimpered.)_

This is-

_(Mew then trembled, her tail wrapping around her body.)_

ughhh- well I think it's better if you see it for yourselves.

**Arceus**** the Critic**

**"3N Times Life"**

* * *

_So... This is a story out of pure boredom. I Thought of this in the middle of math class a few days ago when trying to solve the problem:_

_Solve (For n 12) (for o 15)_

_-4n+7o_

_So lets see where this goes, (First person to solve this problem correctly will get an achievement! XD)_

_I don't own pokemon or anything related to it, and I hope you all enjoy!_

* * *

You wrote a fanfiction to get help on your Math homework!? What was asking your mom or teacher for help to much trouble? You had to throw in an idiotic plot and idiotic characters into the equation too?

_(Masamune: Imbecile!)_

Yes, I know it's a bad pun.

* * *

_-White_

_It was about the time of day when I would find N reading text books, or doing some other thing that is boring. But this time, he was freaking out and speaking in some sort of math language._

_"No! If 3N is negative how am I suppose to multiply it!? Let alone my self!?"_

_No I knew something was up... Why would he want to multiply himself? Shaking my head, He finally noticed I was in the same room as him._

* * *

Why would N even need to learn math? And where are they anyways? Is it a library? A school? A house? Some place in the woods that happens to have a desk and text books?

_(Weird Al: Don't know, don't know, don't know...)_

* * *

_"Can you help me with this?" He sounded desperate._

_"Sure, but I don't understand why you are doing math from a book, when you don't have to..." I shrugged, and he glared at me, In a sort of childish way._

_"I told you yesterday... if I am going to be a king, I need to know Math, proper language skills, grammar, and-"_

_"N, You do know, that if you keep your self cooped up in here... you won't accomplish anything..." I sighed._

_"Besides, if you want to free pokemon... why learn math Pokemon don't know math..." I said, glacing away from the older teen_

_"They do too! See? Just look at Zorua!" He argued. I looked back to him, and fallowed to where he was pointing. I spotted Zorua who looked miserable, covered in stickers of numbers and math symbols._

* * *

Wait, what? Did they ride the Ferris Wheel yesterday or is this some sort of Bizarro World where N is just a dreamer? Can we have a back story or some info please?

Besides, I think you need to work on your "proper language skills" and grammar before you even move onto math. Seriously:

* * *

_No I knew_

* * *

_why learn math Pokemon don't know math..._

* * *

_glacing_

* * *

_fallowed_

* * *

And why would N even cover a Pokemon in stickers?

Zorua, if you're reading this; sue the unknown author for all the Pecha Berries in the world.

* * *

_"Now? What do you need help with?" I asked. sitting next to him._

_"The problem is Negative three, times N but, I don't want to be times by three! Let alone NEGATIVE THREE!" He was near tears. I gave him a strange look, not completely understanding what was going threw his head, and looked at the page._

_"No, the problem is five y minus, three N... for N twenty-five, for y thirty..." I say pointing the rest of the problem._

* * *

Was that supposed to be the punchline? It probably would have been funnier if White just punched N for making a big deal out of nothing.

* * *

_"Well, I still don't want to be multiplied by three! I don't want there to be more then one of me!" He was holding onto his hair, almost as if he was going to rip it all out. When it hit me... he is thinking that the N in the problem is HIM!_

* * *

_(Mew started floating up and down quickly as if she was bouncing up and down in a chair.)_

So did you punch Bizarro-N then? No? Aww...

And why is he so whiny too? He's like Bloo from _Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends_.

_(Bloo: But Frankie...)_

* * *

_"N... The problem is not saying to do this to your self, the letter N in the algebraic expression, is just a place holder for a number..." I say, just remembering what one of my old math teachers had told the class, but substituted some other words in... but not really understanding it that much._

* * *

_(Mew then reached down under the desk and pulled out a large meter.)_

This is the Dense-O-Meter. Don't tell Keldeo I "borrowed" it and that's why he's never been able to use it. Anyways, let's see how dense N is in this story.

_(Mew then pulled down on the lever sticking out of the side of it, causing the needle to quickly go right.)_

Okay, we're pass Ash Ketchum, we're pass Spongebob and we're pass the PHB. Congratulations! You're as dense as Jar Jar Binks!

_(Confetti starts falling from nowhere as Mew tosses aside the device, creating a loud crash. She then looked over at it and muttered.)_

At least Keldeo won't want it back now.

* * *

_"So?... there isn't going to be a bunch of me running around?..." He suddenly lessoned his hold on his hair._

_"No," I said, in a sympathetic voice._

* * *

How old is N in this anyways? In Black and White 2 all he talked about were formulas and in this he can't even grasp basic algebra.

_(Mew then looked down with a sheepish smile.)_

I'm not saying I can but I would expect a little more out of him.

* * *

_"..." He was silent for a moment._

_"Well can you teach me to do that!? Cause the more of me there are!, The easier it will be to help my friends!" He said standing up. I sighed. This was hopeless._

_"N..." I said, and put my hand on his shoulder. "It's not possible..." I said sternly. But he kept ranting on, and, on, and on._

_"Fine! Wast your life doing the Math to make something that could actually do that!" I yelled, throwing my hands in the air, and walking out of the room_.

* * *

Well, finally I'm don- Oh no. There's one last part.

* * *

_Turning to Zorua, I smiled, and he smiled back._

_"I think it worked, what about you?" I asked, and he started to jump around, yipping happily, witch was his way of saying yes. Smiling again, I reached down and pat him on the head._

_"At least now, she won't come in here as often." I said, but not to sure I meant it._

* * *

That's the punch line!? This entire thing was a ruse to get White to stop visiting you in the vaguely described "here"!? What did she do to deserve that!?

Not only did you completely butcher N's personality you've turned him into an idiot and a jerk.

_(Weird Al: But that's not all, you also made yourself look like a jerk in front of millions of people.)_

At least this awful Fanficiton is over. I have to go wash my paws of this.

* * *

_**Credits:**_

_Samurai Warriors_

_"Weird Al" Yankovic - Smells Like Nirvana_

_Zorua Reviews_

_Keldeo the Critic- Season One_

_Spongebob Squarepants_

_Dilbert_

_Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace_

_Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends_

_Pokemon Black/White 2_

_"Weird Al" Yankovic - I Lost On Jeopardy_

* * *

**Note from the Author:**

I'm sorry about not providing any information about the story other than the name, but it would seem that the Author took it down. Perhaps they read my original review and took it down. Perhaps not. Either way if anyone can tell me the name of the author I'd be grateful. I personally think it might be Fafar, but I'm not exactly sure.


	5. Comedic Scene 2

Mew looked over her shoulder. Arceus was still rebuilding the hall which gave her some more time on his computer. Not really sure what she wanted to do with her free time, though she knew that she wanted to do something with it, she opened up Word, not knowing what she would find.

Surprisingly, it seemed to have a sole document labeled simply "Journal". She looked over her shoulder again and saw Arceus nowhere in sight. She then clicked on the document to be met with a monologue right off the bat.

"Yeah, yeah, "the importance of learning from our mistakes". Let's see what I can find." Most of it was just uninteresting entries about daily events, but there were a few that stuck out to her, such as:

_"Somehow a group of humans managed to get some of Mew's fur and have cloned her! This is just what I need; another Mew... God have mercy on me." _Mew scoffed at that last line.

_"Apparently two groups of humans have managed to pilfer both the Red Orb and the Blue Orb. While their intentions of using them are not in doubt, I suppose I am partially to blame. Specifically for the fact that neither Groundon or Kyogre utilize them in the same way my sons do and they merely sit atop that accursed volcano waiting to be stolen! I can only hope that the Lustrous or Adamant Orbs will not be used against Palkia and Dialga in the same manner."_

_"I have caught Ho-oh stalking that boy from Pallet again, this time on his way to my home region. This type of behavior is detrimental and must be addressed."_

_"While I am loathe to admit my own faults, perhaps I had let my rage get the better of me. I can only be thankful that that child which always seems to be around when needed was there to assist me as well, and pull me out of both of my rage and death. The less said about this event the better, I feel."_

"Enjoying yourself?"

"Yep! You wouldn't believe how much-" Mew's eyes suddenly grew wide at the realization of who she was talking to. She slowly turned around to see Arceus hovering over her. Had his gaze been any more intense she might have burst into flames.

"Run?" she asked, her already feminine voice becoming several octaves higher.

"Run."


	6. All it Takes is a Light Touch

Greetings, I am Arceus. I remember a time when Giratina was a small and meek Pokemon who loved and cherished his brothers.

_(Arceus sighed heavily.)_

And then he grew up.

Well, in honor of those memories, I will be reviewing a story about Giratina asking me for assistance... In his own special way.

**Arceus the Critic**

**"All it Takes is a Light Touch" by AnimeGirlKairi**

* * *

**_All it Takes is a Light Touch_**

_Author: AnimeGirlKairi_

_Arceus's sleep is disrupted by a Legendary in need of advice. But what would Giratina, the exact opposite of Arceus, need advice for? One-shot. Sorry, this isn't a Godmodeshipping pairing. Father/Son_

* * *

And thank goodness that it's not. I'm glad to see a story where I can have a normal relationship with my creations.

* * *

_Arceus, sleeping soundly in his quarters_

* * *

Ah, sleep... That state of being where I am free of Mew.

* * *

_was disrupted by footsteps outside the door. His eye opened lazily, gazing at the silhouettes of feet walking by under the doorway, walking in a back and forth pattern. He mumbled something, wondering why in the world another Legendary would be here when it's in the middle of the time Arceus gets his annual rest from the hard work of keeping all the other legendaries in check, not to mention keeping the universe and other dimensions in balance_. _It's a lot harder than you think, trust in the Alpha pokemon who had to create the confusing Physics and Chemistry we all know and love today._

* * *

Know? Yes. Love? That is a different matter altogether.

* * *

_Still half asleep, he lifted his head weakly as he watched the silhouettes disappear from under the door, sounds echoing throughout the hall outside as the legendary walked away._

* * *

So that's it? Of course not.

* * *

_He closed the only eye he left open as he lied his head back onto the fluffy, silk-lining pillow he created with careful craftsmanship. He snuggled against the pillow, feeling himself drift into slumber once more when he heard a faint sound. He grumbled, now angry that this mysterious legendary was disturbing his sleep even more. All he wanted to do, though, was to ignore the odd sound and continue on getting back to sleep. However, due to keeping his eyes 'closed' in concentration, his ears were now more sensitive to sound than usual and now he could distinctly clarify what the sound was. It was the sound of someone crying._

___His ears perked up, interested in this sound, tugging at his heartstrings._

* * *

The last time something tugged at my heartstrings, I lost five plates, got first degree electrical burns and left with a hatred of humanity.

* * *

_Effortlessly, he pushed his door open and continued to levitate over to the adjacent hallway, following the mysterious legendary with full curiosity. He peeked his head around the corner, looking to see if the legendary was still there. No one was in sight. He narrowed his eyes once more, this time in irritation._

_Whoever it was that was trying to get his full attention, their plan was working._

* * *

Yes, because, apparently, all it takes to get my full attention is a bit of crying and an impromptu game of hide and seek.

_(Doug: Squirrel!)_

* * *

_He levitated down the light-filled hallway, squinting as he tried to look down upon the floor from the bright lights above. It didn't help him, for the light too reflected brightly from the clean, clear tiles below. He grumbled as he was resorted to closing his eyes, levitating blindly as he continued down the hallway. Unfortunately however, his senses were drained from sleep deprive and he ran into a wall. He yelled softly upon impact, swearing under his breath_

* * *

STOP! Did this story just say that I swore?

* * *

_swearing under his breath_

* * *

What type of semi-divine Pokémon am I if I stoop to vulgar language to express pain? But not only that; a wall- A WALL OF ALL THINGS!- is able to cause me enough pain for me to swear. Somehow this wall is more powerful than Palkia, Dialga and Giratina combined and more annoying than Mew to cause me to stoop to such a lowly act.

* * *

_He looked around, noticing two hallways in between him, along with the hallway he just levitated through behind him. He listened carefully for the cry that the pokemon was making, but instead, all he heard was silence. He hummed, wondering whether or not to just go back to bed and forget all about the mysterious legendary who disrupted his sleep._

_He was about to turn around when he heard a loud bang along with a quake that shook the walls and the lights that shone brightly from the hallway behind him._

* * *

Well, that's quite the wake up call isn't it?

So, let me think... which Legendaries would be foolish enough to interrupt my sleep and destroy my home?

_(Arceus' levitated a piece of paper which had two lines on it; Mew, __Giratina.)_

* * *

_Once he passed the arch that was displayed as an entryway to the garden, he looked around to see if there were any damages to anything outside. Sure enough, the wall that lined the pathway in front was demolished. Cracks and pieces that were broken off the wall were all over the place. He frowned, displeased on how his work of art was suddenly demolished for no apparent reason. He levitated over, gathering all the pieces with his psychic ability as he began to assemble and fix the broken wall with ease, finishing the work by using his rock plate to fix the unnecessary cracks. The wall revealed to be a mural of the universe with all kinds of planets, including comets and distant black hole to add to the interesting piece. Arceus nodded his head in approval, inspecting the art one last time for any unseen marks he have subconsciously missed._

* * *

From what I've read this legendary suffers from violent and sudden mood swings.

_(Arceus rolled his eyes.)_

Well, it can't obviously be Giratina.

* * *

_But then, he noticed something move near the fountain out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head to witness Giratina himself opening a portal by using the fountain's water to get to the distortion world._

_"Giratina!" He called, Giratina jumped in fright. He turned around to notice his father now fully awake, his expression bewildered but held a hint of remorse. Arceus levitated closer to his son, eager for an explanation on why he was here during the time of his slumber._

_"Hello, Arceus…" Giratina began uneasily, his voice quiet and his eyes giving no contact to his father's. Arceus began to worry, Giratina never acted like this before. He was always so radiant, an ego statistical legendary who loved to rub his arrogance against other people, not to mention a trickster who loved to mess with other beings and legendaries._

* * *

If I didn't know better, I would believe that Kairi knew Giratina personally.

* * *

_Giratina closed the portal and sat down on the grassy-bed nearby, Arceus following him and sitting down next to him. "I'm sorry I awoke you." He whispered, laying his head onto the soft grass._

* * *

But not sorry enough to blast a hole in the middle of my home.

* * *

_"What's wrong?" Arceus asked, his voice benevolent and calming._

_Giratina sighed as he closed his eyes, deep in thought on how he was going to say something that down-right acted against his mindset. "I...I'm having trouble trying to guide the Distortion World." Giratina mumbled._

_"Oh?" Arceus cooed as he rubbed his head against Giratina's, trying to relax the embodiment of death._

_"It's...it's just when I tried to help my subjects out...it ended up that they were too dependent on me, and they couldn't stand up for themselves." Giratina began, his voice confused and bewildered. Arceus nodded in understanding, urging his dear son to continue. "In the end, they all died."_

* * *

Should I be concerned that my son dabbled in socialism?

And subjects? Who lives in the Distortion World?

* * *

_I'm so sorry." Arceus apologized sincerely._

_"So, then I decided to not help any of my subjects at all , but because of not understanding simple things such as knowing when to stop or commit to something...they died too." Giratina said, his voice rising with each word he said. His eyes grew somber as a couple of tears streamed down his cheeks. "I don't know what to do."_

* * *

So apparently my son's anarchist policies caused his subjects to die not once, but twice.

* * *

_"A light touch." Arceus simply stated._

_Giratina sat up and looked at his father in confusion, "A light touch?" Giratina repeated._

_"Being too involved with beings can cause them to be dependent on you, but being distant can cause them to lose understanding and balance among themselves. All it takes is a light touch." Arceus explained, looking into his son's pleading eyes._

_"I...I don't understand." Giratina stuttered, his spirit weakening as his eyes continued to pour streams of tears down his cheeks._

_Arceus nuzzled Giratina's head once more, soothing the troubled dark deity as he leaned against his father's body. "All it takes is a light touch," Arceus repeated, "Help out once in awhile when you think they truly need it. You don't have to be noticed when you do it either, when you believe it's the right time to help them, do it. If not, then don't."_

_"But what if I screw up?" Giratina asked, hopelessness etched into his voice._

_"No one's perfect. It just takes practice." Arceus admitted, his eyes half-closed._

___Giratina hummed, his eyes looking into the distance as he pondered the idea his father just gave him. As he continued to ponder the idea, his hope began to rise, a smirk slowly forming on his face. "Yeah." He mumbled to himself._

* * *

And on that heartwarming note, this story- hmm? Oh, it appears there's more.

Let's see how fast this story can depart from such a heartwarming, memorable and thought provoking moment.

* * *

_Arceus smiled, noticing that Giratina is coming back to his normal self, the smirk evident on his face. He looked at Arceus, his smirk disappearing once he Arceus's smile. "T...tell anyone about this and I won't forgive you!" Giratina stuttered, his eyes looking away as Arceus's smile grew wider. Arceus couldn't help but stifle a laugh as he watched the embodiment of death's face turn beet red in embarrassment._

_"I'm...I'm serious! It'll ruin my reputation!" He continued, his face growing a darker shade of red._

* * *

Your reputation? Oh, you mean this:

* * *

_He was always so radiant, an ego statistical legendary who loved to rub his arrogance against other people, not to mention a trickster who loved to mess with other beings and legendaries._

* * *

Yes, that's quite the Gary Oak-like reputation to uphold.

_(Gary Oak: Smell ya later!)_

* * *

___Arceus waved him off as he shook his head in disbelief, "I won't tell anyone." He stated, his smile still evident on his face._

* * *

Do you know why no one has ever seen me smile?

IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A MOUTH!

* * *

_You better!" Giratina scowled, making his way towards the fountain._

_"Whenever you're feeling insecure, just talk to me." Arceus called, his smile turning into a smirk._

_"Yeah, yeah." Giratina waved off as he made his portal. He looked back one more time at the now sleeping Arceus who just collapsed from exhaustion, his eyes softening, "Thanks dad, and...a…sorry about the wall, you know how it is having a stressful job and all."_

* * *

A job that is made no less stressful when you wake me up in the middle of the night and blast a gaping hole in the wall.

* * *

_With that he leapt into the portal, arriving back into his own world. But without Giratina noticing, Arceus smiled once more, hearing everything, discussing in his inner mind on how he was going to get back at Giratina for wrecking his wall._

* * *

Well, the story ends there.

So what is my Judgement? I like it. While I cannot say I enjoyed it more than Children of Creation, it was still a good story.

While I'm not all to pleased about me acting ungodly, to the point where it ends that I plot revenge on Giratina, or the fact that the story simply couldn't have ended on that heartwarming moment and had to detract from it by trying to add in humor to story that required none, it was still an enjoyable story.

Now, if you will excuse, my home is almost rebuilt and I would like to see to its completion.

* * *

_**Credits:**_

_Pokémon: Arceus and the Jewel of Life_

_UP_


	7. Lucian VS Metagross

Greetings, I am Arceus. Before I begin, I want to talk about Pokémon history.

_(A series of recorded boos is heard.)_

_(King Arthur: SHUT UP!)_

You see, in the anime the conflict between trainer and Pokemon, one of the things that helped give Pokemon like Charizard personalities, has slowly become underused, except in the case of non-Ash filler. So it's even rarer to see a story that portrays conflict between trainer and Pokemon on fanfiction. Fortunately I have managed to come across one of these rare stories, and I will be reviewing it today.

**Arceus the Critic**

**"Lucian VS Metagross" by The Light's Refrain**

* * *

_**Lucian VS Metagross**_

_By: The Light's Refrain_

_ONESHOT - Lucian gets the best birthday present ever. Or so he thinks. As the struggle escalates into outright war, will Lucian be triumphant? Or will there be any winners at all? Slight Snazzyshipping. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MINTCOLANIHIL!_

* * *

To address the last sentence, this story was actually written for someone's birthday, which is, coincidentally, where the story starts off.

* * *

_"Happy Birthday, Lucian!"_

_Everyone burst into Lucian's room at once with big grins: Aaron, Bertha, Flint, Riley for some reason, and, mostly importantly, Cynthia. They were donning every birthday party cliché imaginable: birthday hats, Pokemon-shaped balloons, regular balloons, and various noisemakers. Cynthia even threw in some belated confetti for good measure._

* * *

Not every cliché possible, where are the streamers?

_(Mr. Herriman: Mrs. Francis! We can't possible have a party without streamers!)_

Don't look at me like that, Mew has forced me to watch it with her on more than one occasion. At least it's better than Cloverfield...

* * *

___"What a surprise," Lucian said with a mild smile, snapping his latest novel shut after marking its place. Everyone knew better, but he might as well go along with the charade. Just another day at the Sinnoh League with the local psychic._

* * *

Ah yes, because living with someone who's practically a walking piece of spy equipment is normal. What else do you consider normal I wonder?

* * *

_The doors to Lucian's room in the Sinnoh League burst open as Aaron and Flint stumbled in._

_Aaron: Lucian! We've got trouble! Team Galactic is destroying the Time/Space continuum!_

_Lucian: Just another day at the Sinnoh League. Let's read._

_Flint: Shouldn't we do something?_

_Lucian: No, reading seems the most logical._

* * *

Maybe that explains why Cynthia was the only one to respond when the world was being torn apart.

Regardless, we get to the gifts.

* * *

_Aaron went the safe route and got him a whole new series of books: An Espeon's Tale, An Espeon's Journey, and An Espeon's Return. Bertha gave him a collection of Psychic Gems she had gathered in faraway Unova, as well as a purple-themed star quilt she had sewn herself. Flint gave him a lava lamp, probably because Flint thought it was cool (Lucian glanced into his mind, and soon confirmed his suspicions)._

* * *

You needed to glance into his mind to know that he thought the Lava Lamp is cool? Flint is basically a Mirror B. 2.0.

* * *

_Riley gave him some geodes and a fossil, probably for similar reasons (this too was verified with a swift thought check). What was Riley even doing here? He wasn't a League member, and certainly not a friend of his, even if he was Cynthia's._

_Cynthia went last, handing him a wrapped-up sphere that was obviously a Pokeball. Lucian could feel the raw psychic energy radiating from it, and knew instantly what it was. He carefully stripped off the wrapping paper with his telekinesis (he could have done it by hand, but what was the fun in that?) and pushed the button on the red-and-white capsule._

* * *

Ah yes, and I think we all know what happens next.

_(The Jaws theme starts playing in the background.)_

* * *

_One flash of light later, and a bizarre metal creature stood before him. It was quadruped, making its huge blue body almost spider-like. A large silver X obscured most of its face. Red pupils within black eyes studied Lucian like a scientist looking over its latest subject._

_"Oh wow! A Metagross!" Aaron exclaimed._

* * *

_(Arceus rolled his eyes.)_

Really? What else could it be?

* * *

_One flash of light later, a small, pink, catlike creature floated before him._

_"Oh wow! A Mew!" Aaron exclaimed._

* * *

_(Arceus then blinked a few times.)_

If only that was the case.

* * *

_When tomorrow came, the happy glow from the day before began to disperse. The truth was rising like smoke on the horizon of daybreak._

_Metagross was a was a massive, mighty, intelligent being, and Metagross knew it. In fact, it seemed to consider itself vastly superior to all other life forms, including Lucian. The metal monster didn't say this directly to Lucian: like most Pokemon, it spoke it its own distinct language. However, Lucian could feel its potent psychic power and read its mood and intentions._

* * *

And with that sentence, we establish the final stereotype; the machine that feels vastly superior to it's master and plots to overthrow him, in addition to giving us the hippie, the arrogant know-it-all who will turn out to be wrong in the end, and someone who can't help but stick his nose into other people's business, making this story have as many stereotypes as _The Breakfast Club _did.

So we go through a few paragraphs of talking about how Metagross misbehaved before we finally start going somewhere with the plot.

_(Monty Python Army: Get on with it!)_

* * *

_Metagross wasn't a team player either. It bullied his other Pokemon, to the point where they deliberately avoided it. It consumed enormous amounts of food, driving away any Pokemon that tried to get a bite to eat themselves. Sometimes it even stole food from the other Pokemon. It was bad enough that Lucian had to feed it separately._

_Metagross excelled in battle, however. It obeyed Lucian's commands and took out many challenger's Pokemon with ease. It did this partially because it loved to battle, and partially because silently taunting Lucian via telepathic impulses only he could detect._

* * *

Are we sure that Cynthia didn't accidentally capture the Metagross from _Regaining the Home Advantage_? Regardless, both of them behave around others but then they turn their backs, just like the Boos from Mario, they get back to their power struggle.

_(Skipper: Smile and wave boys... Smile and wave.)_

Again, Mew.

* * *

_Lucian tried passive methods first. He played chess with it, and never won once. He tried taking it to Pokemon massage parlors, but Metagross didn't want any human laying a hand on it. He tried introducing it to the wondrous world of books, but it didn't bother trying to read anything (though Lucian knew full well it was brilliant enough to do so if it really wanted to). Lucian even denied it lunch, to see if he could control it via its ravenous stomach._

_The last one was the greatest disaster of all. After Lucian came back to his room from his own lunch, he found Metagross out of its Pokeball, It proudly stood over the myriad books laying shredded on the floor. It levitated and tore up a few more pages just because it knew it would anger Lucian more._

_It did._

_Lucian's eyes shone bright blue as he snarled, his hair floating as ripped paper spun around him like a snowstorm. "That's it! If brute force is all a hulking machine like you can understand, then I'll bring you down myself! One on one! Psychic power versus psychic power!"_

_Lucian almost wanted to swallow his words, but he was not about to show fear in front of Metagross. Really, this was the best option. Cynthia battled it, and it seemed to have a healthy respect for her. So if he could beat it himself, it would have no choice but to regard him as its better._

_Metagross, with an almost giddy rattling, accepted his challenge by stomping one of its spiked feet on the floor. The room, or what was left of it, shook slightly._

* * *

_(A bar suddenly appeared with Lucian and Metagross on it, with a V.S sign in between. The Gym Leader Sinnoh music started playing in the background.)_

Who will win? The Kenny G lookalike or the two ton Metal/Psychic Type?

* * *

_They couldn't have a fight at the League though_

* * *

Isn't that the point of the Pokémon League? To have battles at!?

Well apparently the basic function of the Pokémon League manages to slip Lucian's mind, and he decides on Iron Island. The reason for this logic is that the author wants there to be an unseen twist in the battle, but manages to pass it off as Lucian not wanting Metagross to read his mind.

* * *

_They stood on top of the mountain, each waiting for the other to make a move. Facing Metagross with only his own psychic abilities felt like a worse and worse idea by the minute, but Lucian wasn't about to back down now. He knew he couldn't take Metagross head-on, but knockout was only one of two options. If he made it exhaust its psychic power, the only type of attack allowed in this match, that would prove he was the better psychic, and therefore the winner. Knocking out the mighty tank-like Pokemon would be a great catharsis though._

* * *

All of this assuming that Metagross doesn't manage to turn you into a pancake first.

* * *

_Lucian levitated several rocks, sending a swarm of large stones at Metagross. The metal monster easily halted their high-speed flight though, and shot them back at Lucian. He telekinetically raised up a great cloud of dust to obscure himself from view. The rocks whizzed by him, with some of their paths deftly altered by his powers to keep from getting too close._

_I could die in this spat, though Lucian, but he was too furious and fed-up with Metagross's antics to care. He levitated himself so that he could be faster and harder to hit. He evaded more stones, clumps of earth, spikes of loosely-formed iron, and even a poor Staravia that had been dragged into the telekinetic fight as it was flying by. Whatever he couldn't dodge, he blocked by making shields of boulders or walls of ground. His own raw power wasn't strong enough to stop projectiles in their tracks, though he could slow them or tweak their flight course. Whenever he had an opportunity he flung his own attacks at Metagross, though their purpose was more for annoyance and distraction than actual damage._

_Lucian manipulated the ground around Metagross's feet, liquefying it and causing it to mold around its spider-like legs. Metagross used its powers and own might to get rid of the mud, but more muck soon bound it in place again. Eventually Metagross made an irritated beeping sound, and used its psychic power to magnetize itself, activating a Magnet Rise state. It rose off the ground, tucking its legs in as it broke free of the mire. It looked like a alien warrior's UFO._

* * *

Ah yes, no battle scene is complete without detracting from it to make a bad joke.

* * *

_Before Metagross could react, the endless iron ore in the already-destabilized soil erupted out of the mountain and piled onto Metagross now-magnetic body. It looked more and more like an actual spider. Unable to instantly reverse the effects of its Magnet Rise, even Metagross's immense psychic power could keep it aloft for long. It crashed like a meteor onto the ground-_

_And suddenly the weakened, half-liquefied ground gave way, and both Lucian and Metagross were falling into the depths of the deep, hollowed-out mountain. Metagross was weighed down by all the magnetized iron ore, and Lucian's own psychic powers were fading fast, already pushed to the brink during their match. Hurriedly he tried to recall Metagross, but the thick layers of iron coating it blocked the Pokeball's retrieving beam._

_I've doomed us, Lucian thought. All over a stupid-_

* * *

I doubt that the story would end with you and Metagross dying when you could have been killed off a couple of paragraphs before. Although...

_(John Cleese: It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker! This is a late Parrot!)_

* * *

_A frantic roar echoed from above, and several vines whipped down and seized Lucian. The thorns in the vines sunk painfully into his skin as it stopped his fall, but it was a lot better than dying. But Metagross-!_

_A bright psychic aura enveloped the falling Metagross, the last of its psychic power, but that only slightly slowed its fall. Then the glow intensified as a other Psychic-using Pokemon materialized and unleashed their power: a Spiritomb, and two Lucario. Between all the telekinetic efforts the iron-bound Metagross landed roughly but safely._

_Lucian felt himself being lifted up, and found himself face-to-face with a cross Cynthia, riding her Garchomp, and her Roserade._

_"Cynthia? How did you…" Lucian began, before noticing Riley nearby. He got a few mental snapshots of Riley spotting the fight, being confused, and then calling Cynthia on his Poketch. Blasted Riley and his snooping, even if it did happen to be a good thing this time…_

* * *

Snooping!? Is it snooping if someone who is known to frequent an area, to the point that he usually isn't seen in any media without a reference to it, sees you having a fight with your own Pokémon and calls for help just in time to save your hide? Besides, you're one to talk, since you looked inside his head to find that out!

* * *

_"What the hell were you thinking, Lucian?" Cynthia yelled. "Putting yourself in such pointless danger like that?"_

_Her gray eyes were glaring at him, but Lucian didn't need to be a psychic to know she was more scared and upset than angry. Actually, being a psychic only made Lucian feel much, much worse. He averted his gaze._

_"I'm sorry, Cynthia…"_

_Cynthia's expression softened, now more perplexed than furious. "What were you doing out here anyway? Why were you fighting your own Metagross?"_

_Lucian sighed heavily. The game was over, and it was just as well. "It's a long story…"_

* * *

Actually it's only three thousand and eighty words.

* * *

_"You should have just told me that you were having issues with Metagross," said Cynthia. They were in Cynthia's battle room, in all its semi-psychedelic glory, with Metagross wandering about. "I thought that Metagross might be difficult, given its nature and its life as a wild Pokemon, but since you said everything was fine…"_

_Lucian kept quiet. It would have been simpler that way. Right now, Lucian was just glad that Cynthia had decided to keep the knowledge of this incident to herself and Riley. Though facing Cynthia's disapproval was the worst, he didn't want to deal with the other League members lectures and laughter on top of that. Riley was going to be bad enough…_

_"…Anyway, point is, don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it," Cynthia added. "We're meant to work together, not just compete with each other. You can trust us."_

_Lucian nodded. "I know. It's just…well, I didn't want to seem like I was looking a gift Rapidash in the mouth, so to speak. And you fought so hard to capture the Metagross too…"_

_"Huh?" Cynthia asked. Then she smiled. "Did you…not entirely read my mind?"_

_Now Lucian was the one puzzled. "I didn't want to be rude…"_

_Cynthia laughed. "Don't worry, you've got my permission."_

* * *

So that's the moral of this story!? It's okay to invade other peoples privacy to find out information!? Was this written by a NSA Agent?

Regardless of the questionable morals, Lucian looks inside Cynthia's mind to see her memories of her battling the Metagross, then feeding it once it kept breaking out from every Pokeball she sent its way.

* * *

Lucian snapped out of his vision. "That was all you had to do?"

"Uh-huh," Cynthia replied cheerfully. "Metagross is aggressive because it had to be to survive in the Giant Chasm. It's greedy and possessive about food because it's used to not knowing when its next meal will come."

_So that was why it reacted so extremely when I refused it lunch before_, though Lucian. _It thought I was going to stop feeding it altogether, and it would starve. So it made sure to get my attention by wrecking my books and my room…_

_"So if you just keep giving it lots of food and attention, I'm sure it will warm up to you eventually. Oh, and Cheri Berries. It loves spicy stuff like that." Cynthia explained. She then turned to Metagross. "And Metagross, you need to treat your Trainer and your teammates with respect. Lucian can be a harsh Trainer, but that's only so you can get stronger. You don't have to live in fear anymore, because Lucian will take good care of you."_

_Lucian and Metagross exchanged glances and thoughts._

_"So," Lucian eventually said. "Let's try this again…"_

_IIIIII_

_It turned out that Cynthia was right, as she usually was._

_As Lucian and Metagross took out challenger after challenger with perfect coordination, it seemed like there was never a time when they didn't work together._

_Metagross was the best birthday present ever._

* * *

And that ends Lucian VS Metagross. So what is my Judgement? It's not bad, but it certainly could use more work. The grammar is impeccable, and the descriptions are good, but it seems a bit hollow to me. We never actually see Lucian questioning why Metagross behaves the way it does, just that it is acting that way to try to show it's superiority.

But, then again, it also reads like an episode of the Anime. The trainer/Pokémon conflict is well done, even it is a bit thin, and the battle, strategy and resolution are all appropriate for the show. So while I am divided on it, I'm not necessarily confused as I was with the _Red Paper Fan_ which shows that; though perhaps not my favorite, this is still a well written story.

Now if you excuse me, Mew has been absent for quite some time and that is always cause for alarm.

* * *

**The End**

_**Credits:**_

_Nostalgia Critic: The King and I_

_Monty Python and the Holy Grail_

_Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends_

_Nine in the Afternoon_

_Nostalgia Critic: Ghost Dad_

_Pokemon Colosseum_

_Jaws_

_The Breakfast Club_

_Pokemon Diamond & Pearl: Sinnoh League Victors: Regaining the Home Advantage_

_Madagascar_

_Pokemon Diamond/Pearl/Platinum_

_Monty Python - The Parrot Sketch_


	8. Action Scene 1

"What in the world?" Arceus muttered as he heard what sounded like a talkative crowd had gathered in his main hall. He rushed out of the room he was in and burst into the main hall to see at least half of the Legendaries gathered there.

"Wh-What is going on in here!?" he shouted, his voice barely being heard over the clamor.

"Oh, hi Arceus!" Victinin shouted, despite being the closest to Arceus.

"Why are all of you in my home!?"

"Since you finally fixed you the hall, we were invited to come and celebrate." Victini shouted back, hovering over to Arceus.

"Invited by whom?" Arceus already knew it was Mew.

"By you of course." Arceus' eyes grew wide in shock for a moment, before narrowing in anger. Victini, not only realizing that he had just been fooled, but hoping that Arceus would not vaporize him, quickly handed him the invitation. Arceus levitated the piece of paper in front of his face as Victini speed away as fast as possible.

_"You are hereby invited to the Hall to celebrate its repair. - Arceus" _even through his anger Arceus conceded to himself that it was a very realistic forgery, down to the formal handwriting. He then looked up again at the Legendaries who had been tricked by that hyperactive ball of fur and saw that his sons and most of the "older" Legendaries were not present, having the judgement to discern that he would never do something like this. His anger then quickly overrode his awe and he floated down from the stairs and into the crowd, looking for the little pink Pokémon.

When the vanilla colored Pokémon floated into the center of the hall the lights suddenly dimmed all around him, creating a circle of light around him. He then saw Mew float in front of him, for some reason having a black bow tie around her neck and holding a microphone.

"Mew, what on earth have you done!?" he growled at her. She only offered a sickeningly sweet, almost innocent, smile as a response.

"Well, I remember that you once told me that you were upset with how you're constantly portrayed as a female, so I decided to ask AuraWielder is I could borrow his Arceus so you two can settle it." Arceus rolled his eyes.

"And how do you propose we do that?" he was just humoring her, it was not as if he intended to go through with this convoluted plan of hers.

"Like how Keldeo does: A Rap Battle!" Arceus somehow snorted at that.

"Mew, the words Arceus and Rap do not belong in the same sentence together."

"Then what about a regular Pokémon Battle?"

"And what if I say no?" for some reason Mew started to snicker. That was never a good sign.

"Well, you are in front of half of the Legendaries, and you wouldn't want to look like a coward would you?" Arceus' eyes grew wide at the realization that all of the other Legendaries were paying attention, and many seemed to look forward to the fought of a battle between two Arceus'. A chill then went down his spine at the realization of how well she planned this.

"Think of this as payback." Mew then snickered again, apparently overjoyed with herself at outsmarting Arceus. The vanilla colored Pokémon growled, but then sighed.

"Fine." Mew then waved at a nearby corridor, and out came a carbon copy of himself, who then proceeded to float into the light. Mew then turned to the crowd of Legendaries and tapped her microphone a few times before speaking into it.

"Legendaries and Legendaries, I present to you... The Thrilla in Vanilla!" Arceus rolled his eyes at her bad pun, but focused back on the polar opposite across from him.

"Before we begin, would you inform me as to how you got here?" The female Arceus across from him offered the closest thing to a shrug she could.

"I'm not sure. The Author makes a sadistic hobby about breaking the fourth wall in World Tour, so I don't see why he can't break the fourth wall in another story." that was probably going to be as logical an answer as he would get.

"Well, in that light, ladies first." he could hear her grunt before charging forward, a wave of purple energy forming in front of her. He countered with a Giga Impact of his own, and the collision of the two sent everyone in the room back a few feet. Both Arceus' skidded back from the collision as well, before the female charged again with another Giga Impact. Arceus countered with a Hyper Beam, the massive white beam managing to stop the charging God-like Pokémon.

"Hmph... You'll have to do better than that to defeat me. But then again I would expect this from a Pokémon who watches My Little Pony." Half of the eyes in the room turned to Keldeo as he glanced downward. Arceus on the other hand, could tell he managed to strike a nerve with his bizarro self.

"What Semi-Divine Pokémon can't even control it's own creation?" AuraWielder's Arceus asked, tilting her head in the direction of Mew. Arceus blinked for a moment.

"Well can you?" he asked, part of him actually hoping she would say yes and share her Mew-controlling secret with him. Rather she only looked down, her telepathic voice becoming softer.

"No... but then again I suppose Mew's the same no matter what story it is."

"Yep! I'm one of a kind!" Mew replied from the sidelines.

"Regardless, I will bring this to a swift end!" Arceus' wheel glowed for a moment before he reared his hind legs up, a ball of light appearing above his head.

"Sorry, I can't risk AuraWielder unleashing Shaymin on us if I send you back unconscious." Mew said, before Arceus disappeared in a flash of light. When Arceus did not seem to take notice of his opponent disappearing into thin air, and continued charging his attack, the crowd quickly ran out of the hall via the open doors.

"All shall be brought to JUSTICE!" he shouted, beams of light shooting out of the orb and through the infrastructure. Mew shrieked, which seemed to cause Arceus to come out of his stupor, in time to see the newly repaired hall crumble around him and Mew.

Mew then popped out of the wreckage, covered in rubble and dust, and glared at the equally dirty Legendary.

"Really? You destroyed your own home in your attempt to end the battle quickly? That's my job!" she shouted, causing Arceus to look down in slight shame. She then sighed, knowing that she would probably be forced to clean up this mess again.

"I'll go get the broom..." she muttered despondently as she flew off.


	9. It's My Choice

Hi everyone! It's me, your favorite psychic type... Mew! If you're wondering why Arceus is letting me do another review after that "incident", it's because he asked me too.

* * *

_Arceus groaned as he lied in the remnants of his chambers, with a nevermeltice applied to his forehead. He was explaining something to Mew, who hovered close before turning to leave._

_"Oh, and Mew." Mew turned around at him calling her._

_"Don't review the story I have set up, I've been planning to do it all month." Mew nodded and flew out, a barely noticeable smile on her face. Arceus in turn smiled, knowing she would disobey._

_"Hopefully that story will teach her some responsibility."_

* * *

Ehh... Close enough.

Anyways this story is suspense so it fits in with Halloween.

**Arceus the Critic**

**"It's My Choice" by thechinskyguy**

* * *

_**It's My Choice**_

_By: thechinskyguy_

_"Why Team Plasma wanted us is beyond me. My friends and I broke off ties with Team Plasma years ago, to become trainers. All I know now is that they came for them, and now they're coming for me. And they won't allow me the pleasure of a tomorrow." (Oneshot)_

* * *

Well... You abandoned Team Plasma, you probably knew what their plans were, and you became the very thing they hated. I don't see why they would be after you either.

* * *

_I look up toward Anville Town. My final destination. Sighing at the thought of having to run for my life for another quarter mile, as I am already exhausted to the point of collapse, I suck it up and sprint until I've reached the edge of the city._

_It was always a relatively small town; not a lot of activity or people, except on the weekends, when trainers would visit from other towns. Tonight, a Monday night, will be different; the entire city would be abuzz the whole night. But not for the usual reasons._

_The Plasmas won't be in the city yet, but I don't risk going into town. Besides, my home is right on the edge of the city limits. I jog along Anville's edge for another half mile until I'm home. The two-story, brick house blends in with the darkness of the night; none of the lights are on. I edge toward the sliding back door of my house and walk in._

_"Mom?" I whisper. "Mom? Laura? You here?"_

* * *

Of course they're there, they just turned off all the lights because they love reading in the dark.

* * *

_No answer. On the kitchen table I spot a note that's weighed down by the salt shaker:_

_Hector,_

_Laura and I left, like you told us to. You were pretty secretive about exactly what's going on, so I didn't write where we went, just in case. Call my cell when you sort everything out. Please be careful; if you're in trouble, call me and I'll help in any way that I can._

_Love, Mom_

_P.S. Laura said goodbye, too. I'm not telling her anything._

* * *

The letter is pretty nonchalant for having to suddenly pack up everything in the dead of night and leave without any reason as too why.

And the logic as too why his mom is so calm about what's going on, or even why Hector would lead Team Plasma to his house when he could have lead them somewhere else that didn't have so many people... I only have this quote:

_(Yogi Bear: It's because I'm smarter than the average bear.)_

* * *

_I sigh in relief, for I realize that my mother and younger sister received my voicemail from earlier, the one that I left hurriedly before destroying my phone. Knowing that they've left before it hits the fan is one less thing to worry about before the Plasmas come for me._

_And yet it takes all of my willpower not to cry upon reading her note. It kills me that she's worried, yet she will never know how serious this is until it's far too late. I think about calling her, to say goodbye before it happens, but I dismiss the thought. There won't be enough time for that. Instead, I crumple up my mother's last words and stuff it in my front pocket._

_I take off my shoes, leaving me with nothing on my feet. I stand in the kitchen, expecting them to come any minute, but they never do. This makes me restless; I know that they're coming; it's just a matter of when. I drum my fingers on the countertops, making little round dots of blood on the oak table._

* * *

I can sympathize. If someone's going to kill you, they should at least have the decency to show up on time.

_(Raymond Reddington: I almost never break into someone's home without bringing a gift.)_

* * *

_On a whim, I walk up the creaky stairwell and up to my bedroom. Fourteen hours earlier, I had woken up fully unaware of the fact that I wouldn't wake up again. A lot can happen in fourteen hours. That much I learned today._

_Once there, I caress my linen sheets, the ones that kept me oh-so warm during the bitter winters. Something about their texture reminds me of youth. How precious it is, how easily it disappears._

_Why I think this, I don't know. Then again, there's a lot that I don't know._

_It's not the texture of the sheets that keeps me in the room, but my nightstand. Better yet, it's what's on my nightstand that's so alluring. I grasp the picture frame with trembling hands. In this picture is a younger me and my Riolu, who's a Lucario now, beaming brightly into the camera. At my sides are my two friends, Walter and Ana, also grinning brightly with their pokémon. The picture was taken two years ago, when we went to Nimbasa for a day._

_I can't help but feel emotional as I stare longingly at the picture. Two years ago, even two days ago, we were happy, worry-free, and jovial._

_Now all we are is dead._

* * *

Dead men don't talk... or grab pictures off their nightstand in this case.

* * *

_Well, they are anyways. But I'm not far behind._

* * *

Thanks for clarifying that. I don't think we could have come to the conclusion that you're still alive without that sentence.

* * *

_The distant roar of a pokémon alerts me. I take a deep breath, knowing that my time has come, and walk toward my window. A dozen behemoths fly from the horizon toward my house. I can only make them out as specks, but even then I can see the Plasma grunts that man them. I recognize the wings of a Charizard, the grey ones of an Aerodactyl, but I'm unable to identify the other ones. The thought of how they will do it briefly flashes across my mind – my guess is that they'll bash my head open with Headbutt, or Cut me until I bleed out. Either way, it won't be pretty. "Pretty" isn't Team Plasma's forte._

* * *

Apparently "Subtle" isn't either.

* * *

_I walk out of my bedroom and jog down the stairs for the last time, leaving the frame behind. As I walk back into the kitchen, I glance out the window by the front door to see my death bringers drawing closer. Brushing the sight of them aside for now, I stride into the kitchen and open the sliding back door. I take a few steps out, allowing the cool, dewy grass to trickle my bare feet._

_Now I do what I knew had to be done. I put off doing it for as long as possible, but now I know that it's time. Either I do it now, or it never gets done._

_I pull from my pocket three Poké Balls and unclasp all of them. Out come my only surviving pokémon: Lucario, my partner pokémon, Servine, and Darumaka. Darumaka stands as the youngest member of my team, and I only now worry how he will fare on his own. But now's not the time to worry about that._

_"Things are about to get bad," I explain to them, "and I'm not gonna make it out."_

_At first, they don't know what I mean by that. Then they hear the roar of the approaching pokémon and they understand. Even though I've told them almost nothing about what happened, somehow they know._

_Lucario bares his teeth, but I put my hand on his shoulder to calm him. "No," I tell him, "there's no point in fighting. They'll kill you too if they get the chance. But I won't let that happen." I then throw the empty Poké Balls at my feet and, in one swift move, stomp them to bits. The official sign that marks the release of my pokémon._

* * *

I don't think that's the "official" way to release a Pokémon, but that's going to be moot in a few seconds right?

And besides, killing Pokémon? I know Team Plasma are bigger hypocrites than PETA but they would probably just recapture them to use for their evil schemes.

* * *

_They look shocked, and Darumaka starts to whimper. I, however, remain stoic as I say, "You need to go. Run into the backwoods, and don't stop until you're out of sight of the house."_

_Servine gives me a look that says, "Why can't you come with us?" In reality, I could run away with them. But that would only delay the inevitable._

_"They'd still find us eventually," I explain, "and they'll kill you, too."_

_I turn now to Lucario. "You're in charge of these two, okay? Make sure that they stay safe."_

_Lucario puts his paw on my shoulder and nods._

_"Good," I say. "Now get going. I love you."_

_Lucario nods again and, scooping up Darumaka, starts running into the dense foliage of the backwoods, with Servine following close behind._

_It's funny, really. I always thought that I'd tear up when I parted with my pokémon. But now, when it's actually happening, I don't feel a thing._

* * *

_(Supertramp's Goodbye Stranger starts playing in the background.)_

Really? You're giving up your Pokémon, one of which you've known since you were a kid, and you can't even bother to shed a few tears? You're as colder than Kyurem.

* * *

_Maybe it's the thought of my imminent death that's doing it, or the thought that they'll be safe. Maybe there's no thought to it._

_Maybe it's all of the above._

* * *

Maybe it's because you don't think things through!

_(Joker: Do I really look like a guy with a plan?)_

Seriously, you decide to bring Team Plasma to your home town, forcing you mom and sister to flee, you bring them to your house, no doubt leaving your family without any possessions or home at the end of this, and you wait to release your Pokémon until Team Plasma is almost there, giving them very little time to escape!

* * *

_I turn around and walk back into the house. There's no point in shutting the sliding door, but I do it anyways. I sit down at the kitchen table and sigh, not out of resentment but of boredom. I continue to drum my fingers on the table, since there's nothing else to do. There's at least a whole minute before they reach me, a whole minute to reflect. On what? Life. Memories. Sappy stuff like that._

* * *

Yah, you know; the unimportant stuff like friends, family, Pokémon you couldn't bother to cry for, and life in general.

* * *

_The growls from the enemy legion cease to grow louder, which means that they've reached me. I expect the door to come crashing down, for everything to just come crashing down all at once, but it doesn't. It never does. I can hear shouting outside; Plasma grunts, yelling for me to come on out._

_I don't move. If I go out there, they'll kill me anyways. I would rather die in my own home a coward than give in to them. I'm not sure why the urge to resist their demands overtakes me, but I don't question it now._

_The shouting continues, but nothing happens. For a group of people that want to waste me, they're not afraid to take their time._

_I hear the churning of fire outside, and I realize what it is just as the fireball makes impact with the house. The living room bursts into flames, and I am swept off of my feet. I make a hard landing on the tiled floor of the kitchen, but I shake it off and stand back up, knowing that the worst is yet to come._

_Two more fireballs hit, both of them upstairs. Of all the ways to die, I think, they just had to use fire. And here, this whole time, I had hoped for a quick death._

* * *

Fireballs? Has Team Plasma suddenly turned into an episode of _The A-Team_? When has Team Plasma ever used fire? They even hid in the cold storage in Black and White, and Zinzolin uses a Cryogonal!

Anyways, thechinskyguy gives us an exposition on how it feels like hell on earth before giving us this contradiction:

* * *

_Even thinking becomes a hassle. As much as I'd like now to try and save myself, I probably couldn't. I try to think of my late friends, of my family, of myself, but I can't. Nothing comes to mind as all I know and feel is pain and burning and…_

* * *

And where was that desire to live some two minutes ago? You seemed so determined to die in your own home a few minutes ago, and now, after all chances of escape are gone, you finally have second thoughts!? Besides, I thought life was "sappy stuff".

* * *

_The roof under the living room collapses with a great roar. Through the smoke I can just see the backwoods behind my house. I can make out the wild pokémon, fleeing from the scene. But there's one pokémon, a Braviary, that is perched under a neighboring tree, watching me. He doesn't speak, but his deep, glaring eyes send a message that I understand promptly:_

_"Climb on my back and we can fly out of here, or just stay here and die. Your choice."_

_I do not recognize the Braviary. No one I know owns one. Naturally, I don't know why it wants to risk its life to help me._

_Before I can decide whether to go with him or not, the fireballs that were pelting my house suddenly stop. No rhyme nor reason to it, they simply stop all at once._

_"Hector!" A voice calls out. I immediately recognize it as that of my former superior, Gilderoy. He runs quite a large sector of Team Plasma, and he's the highest ranked executive, apart from Ghetsis and a few others that I can't remember._

_"What you did to us was your choice!" He shouts. "But you know what? We're gonna give you another choice. You can give yourself up, and you'll get to live without any major harm, or you can just let yourself die in your crumbling home."_

* * *

_(Mew's eye twitched as she started to frown.)_

Maybe your offer would have been more tempting if you, oh... I don't know... DIDN'T SET HIS HOUSE ON FIRE FIRST!

* * *

_At that moment, another fireball hits the front door, paving a clear path between me and the Plasmas. I look back to the Braviary, who is still silently beckoning me to freedom. So now there are three choices: surrender myself to Gilderoy and hope they don't kill me, run toward the Braviary and make a daring escape, or stay where I am and die._

_I'm seriously considering death; what is there to live for at this point? My friends are dead, my pokémon are gone. But at the same time the thought of being allowed to live, whether it be by Braviary or by the Plasmas, sounds deliciously tempting. My leg would make it hard to get out of the house. Hard, but not impossible. It's better than being in a burning house, anyways. "It's my choice," I think, "in the end, it's my choice." _

_Choices. I realize now that everything that's led up to this, from leaving Team Plasma to unknowingly angering them to allowing myself to stay in the burning house, it was all because of my choices. This whole time I thought that it just happened for no reason, that Team Plasma was out for me simply because they could. But no, all of this is happening because of the choices that I chose to make._

_But now I must make one last choice. Flee. Surrender. Die._

_It's my choice._

_The house is devoid of life by the time it collapses._

* * *

_(Mew stares at the screen for a few moments, blinking.)_

Wow... that's actually a really good ending for a suspense story. Good enough that I'd say it makes up for most of the stupid stuff Hector does throughout the story.

Why is it so good you may ask? Well, in most suspense stories the suspense is actually the plot and everything get resolved at the end. But in this story the suspense is actually the ending, which leaves a lot of unanswered questions, which will keep you thinking about what could've happened. So while Hector may have been an idiot, and Plasma may have made a lot of stupid moves too, this is still a really good suspense story.

Well with that done, I'm hoping that Arceus will let me go Trick-or-Treating. It's the one time of the year that I can go out in public, and the first thing people do is tell me I have an incredible costume rather than throw Pokéballs. So, Bye!

* * *

**The End**

_**Credits**_

_Yogi Bear_

_The Blacklist_

_Supertramp: Breakfast in America_

_The Dark Night_

_The A-Team_


	10. Confessions of a Male Gardevoir

**Note from the Author:**

While I know that it's unusual for me to give an Author's Note before the chapter, I wanted to give this disclaimer:

This review contains comments and satire of a political nature and if you are easily offended I recommend you skip to the next chapter.

Likewise, since the story is written in a rather strange style to keep true to the documentary theme of it, so will this review.

* * *

_(Mew waddled on screen, dressed in a stiff military uniform from the waist up and a clip on bushy mustache. She turned to the camera and started to speak in a bad Russian accent.)_

Greetings, comarades and welcome to reeducation- I mean tolerance training. Here at Gulag- I mean state of art facility- you will be trained- taught, TAUGHT!- to tolerate everything that we deem acceptable, and to hate everything that we don't deem acceptable. Your graduation test involves you saying you see five fingers when you only see four.

MEW!

_(Mew's fur stood on end and she quickly flew away, leaving behind the costume. Arceus floated onto the scene, absentmindedly watching the hallway she flew down before turning his attention to the discarded costume.)_

I don't even want to know were she got this. But I might as well be sent to the Gulag after this review.

**Arceus the Critic**

**"Confessions of a Male Gardevoir" by Coli Chibi**

* * *

_**Confessions of a Male Gardevoir**_

_By: Coli Chibi_

_"Hi. My name is Garland, but you can call me Gar for short. I'm a Gardevoir, and yes, I'm a male. A man. A guy." A documentary about a guy who looks like a girl, and how he learned to live with it._

* * *

Yes, while the name may deceive you to think this is a bad romance, this is in fact a documentary. Is that better? Well... let's see.

* * *

_Hey. How you doing?_

* * *

I'm here, so not all too well.

* * *

_This is where I sit, right?_

_Yeah, thanks... Glad to be here. You mind if I smoke? Thanks._

_Hooo, boy... So, you wanna know about me, right? This documentary thing... You want to know what it's like... bein' me?_

_Alright. Don't say I didn't warn you._

* * *

But you didn't. You just lit a cigarette and clarified the reason I'm reading this.

* * *

_Hi. My name is Garland, but you can call me Gar for short. I'm a Gardevoir, and yes, I'm a male. A man. A guy. So, you all want to know about me, and how it is to be so friggin' girly lookin' and be a friggin' dude. Alright, lemme start from the beginning._

_I was born to mixed family. Mom was a Gardevoir, and Pops was a Wobbuffet - yeah, weird, I know. Well, they got married in summer, y'know, June wedding, lovely little get together at the church, big white cake with the little figurines at the top, y'know, the whole deal._

___Well, I was born in late autumn. My parents were a bit surprised that I was a boy. But, you know what, they were real happy with it. They named me, and took me home, and they sent me to preschool. You know, being a Ralts wasn't bad at all. Yeah, I was a little cutesy for a boy, but you know what? Flippin' Pichu, man. Look at 'em._

* * *

And what am I seeing when I look at a Pichu? You can't compare apples and oranges, and all baby Pokemon are "cute" in one way or another.

* * *

_When I was ten, I evolved into a Kirlia_

_It just happened one day. I didn't really mean for it to happen. I was just walkin' around the neighborhood, when poof, you're a Kirlia now. I was just... wow. I couldn't believe it. I looked like a freakin' girl. I knew it, my parents knew it, and boy, did the kids at school ever know it. They didn't let me forget it, either. I went from being this okay guy in school, not really popular but not really disliked, to the absolute bottom of the frickin' food chain. I did everything I could think of to change - I cut my hair, but it always grew back looking as girly as before, I tried to deepen my voice, but that failed, and it gave a sore throat, and I even tried wearing a shirt that said that I was a boy. None of it worked, and I hated it._

* * *

And here we come to the first logical fallacy. In this story, it seems that Pokémon have taken up the role of humans, having video cameras, cigarettes, haircuts for some reason, and clothing. So why didn't you wear a hat or pants rather than just a shirt? And since apparently there are commercial products in this world, why not hair gel rather than a hair cut?

* * *

_It was torture. The girls made fun of me, the boys made fun of me - I... I hated it! I mean..._

_Whooh... Alright, gimme a minute to cool down..._

_Alright, alright, I'm good._

_So, yeah, I hated school. Pretty much everyone was against me. I didn't think I'd make it through fourth grade, but it turns out, I didn't have to. I got into a fight one day. These guys, I don't remember their names, and I don't give a hoot, were pickin' on me, and I got ticked, naturally. So, I punched on of them, they punched me, and, well, there were three of them, and one of me, so I got the pulp beaten out of me. So, I got by butt kicked. It was in the papers, for Pete's sake. Those brats got themselves expelled or something, and my Mom took me out of that school, and I spent the rest of my young life home-schooled, along with my sister. So, my mom quit her job as a waitress at some cafe and decided to teach Lily and me at home._

* * *

Ah Public School... where logic and reason go to die.

_(Arceus rolled his eyes.)_

Thank you, common core.

_(Linus: There's nothing that can harm a person more than too much formal education.)_

* * *

_Ahem, right. Okay, so, like I said, growing up was really hard for me. It's kinda hard being a Kirlia, y'know. But, it wasn't so bad at home. I mean, yeah there was no homecoming or prom, but really, why would I go to those at school? Who would go out with me?_

_So, one day it happened again. I was finished high-school, I was studying to go to college, while mom was teaching Lily high-school. One day, I was exercising in my room, just lifting some weights, when I evolved again. I couldn't stop myself... it just, kinda, happened. So, I was a Gardevoir, and boy did it suck._

* * *

Why did you not just purchase a Dawn Stone?

* * *

_Eh? What's that? Why didn't I just buy a Dawn Stone?_

* * *

Yes, that is what I said.

* * *

_Were you paying attention at all?! Didn't I say my family wasn't rich, in fact we were kind of poor! My Pops worked as a frickin' punching bag! No, really! He was a Wobbuffet! He went to the gym every weekday, sat there, and let some macho fighting type beat him for a livin'! That was his job! He got paid ten bucks an hour plus extra for any black eyes. I got to see Pops get home every day, covered in blood and bruises, and he'd sit down on the couch and ask Mom to go and get some frozen veggies that he could put on his face to ease the pain. I mean, I remember some kid at school, a Tyrogue, I don't remember his name, was talkin' about how his dad was a boxer, and how hard it was for him to see his dad come home all bruised, and, yeah, I get that, but at least his dad got to actually freakin' hit back! My Pop, he stood there and took it - to feed my family! Oh, and here you are askin' about why I didn't buy a freakin' Dawn Stone?!_

_...Sorry, right. Sorry. Didn't mean to blow up on you. You can edit out the rage part if you want._

* * *

I think I will keep it.

* * *

_Whew... Oh, yeah. Thanks Pops. I really appreciate you getting beaten to make a living for us. I love ya._

_Okay, right, I was a Gardevoir. Now, bein' a Gardevoir is where everything really went downhill. You see, that meant I was a young adult at the time, and that I was also, well, legal, if you catch my drift._

* * *

_(Arceus' eye twitched.)_

No. I don't. Particularly because Pokémon don't have age laws since: THEY'RE POKEMON!

Chibi, and I mean this with all due respect, have you even watched the anime?

* * *

_So, yeah, I got harassed. I'd be workin' at my part-time job at the local fast food place, when some jerk from the football team would ask me out, and I had to speak - in my very, very male voice -_

_Well, you can imagine how that went. Sometimes when I was just frickin' walkin' down the street on my way home, some jerk would pinch me! I'm not even jokin'! He'd frickin' pinch me. So, I took some self-defense classes, and if someone touched me, I'd touch them back, and I'd touch those jerks harder._

_Ough... I need a drink._

* * *

Pinot Noir or Champagne? Although you seem more like a Budweiser Pokémon to me.

* * *

_Right, back to your film... So, yeah. That's why I'm a Gardevoir. My parents couldn't afford a Dawn Stone, and my evolution was just unexpected. But, you know, it's not that bad. I mean, Gallade kinda looks girly too, right? Yeah, it does._

* * *

_(Arceus rolled his eyes.)_

Yes Garland, a Pokémon with blades coming out of its arms is girly.

* * *

_It's... hard, yeah. But, I had my family supporting me, so it wasn't so bad._

_So, any questions?_

* * *

Yes, what's the point of this documentary exactly? You've sat me down and forced me to listen to an exposition of your life without any clear reason why.

* * *

_Where's my family now?_

* * *

No that's-

* * *

_Alright, let's see, Pop and Mom still live in our hometown. Dad's retired from being a punching bag - he was gettin' a bit too old for it, and the gym didn't want to see him get hurt anymore._

* * *

Of course that did not stop those sadists all those years ago, who, as you put it; paid him extra for getting black eyes.

* * *

_He's started workin' at a local hobby shop with one of his buddies. Mom's into dancing..._

* * *

_(Arceus lurched back.)_

Ehh... Tap? Ballet?

* * *

_No, not that kind of dancing! Get your frickin' mind out of the gutter! She's teaching ballet and ballroom at a local dance academy!_

* * *

Don't blame me for how you worded your sentence. Perhaps you should have said teaching instead of into!

* * *

_Right, right, it's okay. I know you didn't mean it._

_Uh, Lily, my sister, she evolved into a Gardevoir too, and she's currently in college. We all get together for Christmas and New Year at my place. We're kinda apart yeah, but we talk a lot on the phone, and we always find some time to visit. I love them, and they love me back, so we're still a family._

* * *

Yes, family is family. Even when my sons mutilate each other and even when I nearly kill them in a fit of unbridled fury, they are still my sons and I am still their father.

* * *

_What do I do for a living? I work at a department store. I work in the sales department, but I also sometimes help with stocking, you know, grabbing heavy boxes, lifting them, putting them where they need to go, that sort of thing._

* * *

A lady ought not to do heavy lifting. You on the other hand...

* * *

_The pay is pretty good, and the work place is alright. Sometimes there's that jerk who thinks it's funny that I look and sound the way I do, but I've learned to live with it._

_Listen... there are jerks out there. There are probably more jerks than there are nice guys. You gotta learn to live with it._

_Alright, any more questions?_

* * *

Yes, back to my original question: is there any reason for this? Or are you just going to misinterpret that as interest in your life story?

* * *

_What's my life like now? Alright, I wake up at about five, I shower, I eat some eggs for breakfast, and at eight I go to work. I spend my lunch break with a few friends of mine, and at five I go home. I call Mom and Pops and ask how their day went, and then I call Lily and ask her the same thing. Then I make my dinner, or I order take out if I need groceries, and then I watch whatever's on TV until I head to bed. On Saturdays and Sundays I usually have the day off. On Saturday I do my grocery shopping, usually dinners that are easy to make. I'm not a very good cook. I usually spend the rest of the day hanging out with my friends. On Sundays, I go to church, and usually just spend the day doing whatever - if a friend of mine wants to go out for drinks, I'll go, I guess. Usually I have nothing better to do._

* * *

Evidently.

* * *

_Alright, uh, next question._

* * *

How long does this story last?

Just misinterpret that question however you want.

* * *

_Do I get stereotyped often? Yeah, I do. First off, you know, I look like a frickin' girl, you know about that part, so sometimes people think I'm a woman without really askin' me. But that's not all. I'm a Gardevoir, you know. I'm a real classy lookin' Pokemon. My mom was a real classy woman too, she's polite, humble, all that great stuff. However, I took after my Pop... So, I don't really act like you'd expect a Gardevoir to act. I mean, you're hearin' me speak right now, right? You're hearing my regular voice - this is how I talk every day._

* * *

Like you just came from the Jersey Shore?

* * *

_There are other stereotypes too, though - Gardevoir all are graceful dancers, Gardevoir all have well payin' jobs, and Gardevoir don't smoke... well, you can see that one is pretty fake right now, can't you?_

_*Poof*_

_Yeah, sometimes I get stereotyped, but I'm learnin' to live with it._

_Alright, what's next?_

_You want to know about my friends? Well, alright. First off is Fungi, he's a Parasect. He's a young guy, kinda shy but not bad company. He's quick with a joke_

* * *

_(Billy Joel: And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke. But there's someplace that he'd rather be.)_

I'm sorry, but I simply couldn't resist a _Piano Man_ reference with that line.

* * *

_and quick to give you a hand if you're in trouble. Not a bad guy, you'd like him._

_Uh, next is Strings. He's an Ariados I know. He doesn't work at the super-market, he works at some coffee place, playing a guitar for his paycheck. He's a nice guy, but a little gloomy sometimes - likes to keep to himself mostly, but he always says hi when you say hi to him. He's goin' back to church now, so I think there's hope. He's a pretty good guy._

_Next is Grunge, he's a Grimer._

* * *

Hopefully you will introduce the idiot who gave them these names next. You live in a world where Pokémon have assumed the roles of humans for some inexplicable reason, and you can't even bother to be creative when giving them names?

_(Masamune: Imbecile!)_

* * *

_He works in stocking, but just the unloading part. He doesn't smell really great, and he leaves a trail of slime sometimes, which can be a real nightmare for the janitor. Despite the way he smells, he a really good guy. He's good with kids, charitable with his money... He can be a little clueless, but he's that likable kind of clueless. I think he has a thing for my sister - he met her when my family came down for Christmas, and he's always askin' about her... Wait a minute, you'd better edit that part out! He'd kill me._

* * *

What is he going to do? Slime you to death? But since Pokemon have formed a human like society, I think this would be more appropriate:

_(King Arthur: What are you going to do? Bleed on me?)_

* * *

_Thanks, thanks. Alright, anyway, I usually meet my friends at their workplace. I work with Grunge and Fungi almost every day, and I see Strings whenever I go to the coffee house, always strummin' away up there. We all meet at my place on Saturday for poker night. I supply the house, they supply the snacks. It's real fun. You should join in some time._

_Anything else?_

_Do I have a girlfriend? Why, you interested?_

* * *

No, not in the slightest. And your oh so charming life story has done little to endear me too you.

* * *

_Well, no, I don't, and I never did. I mean, there were some pretty girls at school, some pretty girls at college, and some really pretty girls who work at the department store today. I've just never been able to ask any of them. I mean, would you date someone who looks more feminine than you?_

_Alright, look, it's about six, and I gotta get home soon. One more question, 'kay?_

_...If I could go back in time and change my species and prevent any of the bullying or sexual harassment from happening to me, would I do it?_

_..._

_You know what... If you asked me that a few years ago, I'd would have said yes. I hate people treating me like I'm some sort of gender confused homo freako. I hate people mistaking me for a woman and flirting with me. I hate spending time with people like that. But you know what? If I wasn't the way I was, I might be someone like that. Being a misfit has taught me somethin': respect everyone, even if they're different from you. I learned to respect other people if I want them to respect me just by bein' born a boy. And you know what else? I've got a family and friends who love and care about me, and all the jerks and harrasers, and stereotypers or whatever you call 'em can all go to hell for all I care. So you know what? I'm glad I'm the way I am. This is me, this is who I am, and I'm proud of that._

_...Well, it looks like that's all the time I have for today. Sorry, I gotta get home... Eh? Oh, no, thank you. This was nice enough. I really got to take a load of my chest._

* * *

I am going to cut off the review there because the next section is just Disney-esque nonsense about how we should accept everyone for who they are (even if they are trying to be someone they aren't) via showing the cameraman is a female Machoke. But there is a major problem with that moral, two in fact: First; it is barely mentioned throughout this "delightful" exposition and ends up being abrupt and cliché as a result.

The second is this: Pokémon are Pokémon. They don't wear clothes! They cannot change their appearance (save Ditto) and cannot nor do not desire to change who they are. This is a poor example for the Moral and is not a Moral at all. Just because someone does something, does that mean that we should accept or condone that? When the Pharisees brought the adulterous woman before Christ he forgave her, but still told her to go and sin no more.

I'd rather not say anything more about the subject, to the point where I'm not even going to give my Judgement on it, and I think it would be better if you drew your own conclusions. Now, if you excuse me, I need to go wash my hooves of this as soon as possible.

* * *

**The End**

_**Credits**_

_Peanuts_

_Billy Joel - Piano Man_

_Samurai Warriors_

_Monty Python and the Holy Grail _


	11. Christmas This Year

Greetings, I am Arceus the Critic. And as I'm sure you've noticed it's almost-

_(Mew suddenly flew in, an overjoyed expression plastered across his face.)_

CHRISTMAS!

_(Arceus only rolled his eyes, then chuckled.)_

Ah yes, the happiest time of the year. I still remember the last disaster- I mean Christmas Party- I hosted.

Regardless, in the spirit of the season, I've decided to review a Christmas story by one of fanfiction's most notable Christian Writers: AuraWielder.

**Arceus the Critic**

**"Christmas This Year" by AuraWielder**

* * *

_**Christmas This Year**_

_By: AuraWielder_

_"I used my pearl to pay for that pocket watch. The money I had wasn't enough and… you deserve a really good gift. 'Cause you're a really great Pokémon." One-shot. DialgaxPalkia CosmosShipping_

* * *

Ah CosmosShipping... because if there is one thing _The Rise of Darkrai _proved; it is that Plakia and Dialga are on good terms.

* * *

_It was a cold night. The harsh winter of Sinnoh had set in, and even the master of space Palkia found himself shivering, despite the fact that he prepared for the storm in advance. He slowly made his way through the streets of Jubilife City, passing by the Global Terminal on his way to the mall._

_"Man." he shuttered. "Out here is colder than even one of Articuno's storms! Certainly a feat in itself…"_

* * *

Another feat would be that my son, who is thirteen feet tall, white, purple and makes the ground shake when he stomps, has managed to inexplicably blend into the busy Jubilife City. I am assuming that he is in some form of disguise, but that's only a minor detail; I'm sure nobody would panic if they saw Palkia walking down the street.

* * *

_At he expected, when he finally approached the mall, the place was absolutely PACKED with people. He saw people trying to barge into the mall through a swarmed entrance. He wasn't surprised, because after all, it WAS Christmas Eve. Palkia sighed, knowing that he would have to plow his way through all of these people. They were no doubt here trying to buy last-minute Christmas presents before the shops would close up. Much like Palkia himself._

* * *

Last minute shopping...

_(Arceus then hovered a pair of Black Aviators over his eyes.)_

Meet last minute shoppers.

YEAAAAHHH!

* * *

_The humungous mall, holding two stories and a plethora of shops, was overflowing with crazed shoppers. Palkia knew he had to be careful, because Legendaries in their human forme are weaker than their regular forme. With the way the Christmas Eve shoppers were going, Palkia knew he could become one of those people you hear about getting trampled to death._

_Palkia pushed his way through the crowd, trying to reach one of the stores on the other end of the mall. Of all places in the mall, it simply HAD to be on the other end, didn't it?_

* * *

If I have learned anything from reading World Tour, which in itself is a feat; it is never question something in an AuraWielder story. It will always get worse.

_(AuraWielder: **NO, NOT AT ALL. IT'S JUST SO MUCH FUN TO MAKE YOUR LIVES HELL.**)_

* * *

_He shifted awkwardly around people as he slowly made his way to the clock shop._

_"I need the perfect gift for her." thought Palkia. "She's had her eye on that diamond encrusted pocket watch for a while. I think I just barely have enough money for it…"_

_As he continued, a song began to play on the overhead speakers throughout the entire mall. Palkia had a hard time picking up the words, but he picked up a few tidbits about 'let the world rejoice for Christmas this year' and 'a savior born on a midnight clear'. Though, said song benefitted from an excellent tune._

* * *

_(Arceus' eye twitched.)_

Oh Good Heavens, not the Christmas Music. Christmas songs like a broken record until they are seared in your head. And then when you've almost got it out of your head next year, they start playing it again, except earlier! Happiest time of the year, my tail!

_(Scrooge: Humbug.)_

* * *

_Eventually, the song died down and switched to a new one. Palkia ignored this one as he finally approached the clock shop. He looked through the store window and saw the exact item he was looking for. It was that diamond-encrusted pocket watch. Even though it only had ½ karat to its' name, it was still gorgeous (not to mention, it was all Palkia could afford)._

_"Dialga's gonna love it."_

* * *

_(Arceus' eyes grew wide in shock.)_

Palkia buying something nice for Dialga!? Who are you and what have you done to my son? Not that I'm complaining.

But why buy a watch for Dialga? He's practically a moving clock!

* * *

_He walked into the shop, ready to bring that baby home. He approached the store clerk._

_"Yes, what can I do for you sir?"_

_"I'd like to purchase that diamond-encrusted clock you have in your store window. The ½ karat one."_

_"I'll get it out."_

_The store walked over to the store window and opened the glass case from the inside of the store. He took it out and showed it to Palkia._

_"This one?"_

* * *

No, one of the other diamond encrusted pocket watches that happens to be in your window.

* * *

_"Yes." Palkia grinned. The store clerk came back and set the pocket watch on the glass counter, ready to exchange the money._

_"That'll be nine hundred and ninety-nine dollars, please." he requested politely._

_"Yes, of course. I…" Palkia stopped himself. "A THOUSAND DOLLARS?!" he screamed in shock over the high price. People took a few weird glances at him, but Palkia didn't care at the moment._

_"B-But that's impossible!" he flustered. "In your ad, it was HALF that!"_

_"Yes, well… this IS the only one left in Sinnoh. It's VERY valuable now."_

_"B-But… I-I don't have that money!" he started stuttering again._

_"Then I'm afraid I can't sell it to you."_

_"But… I…" Palkia sighed. He saved up the money he earned from Arceus doing various things for her all winter._

* * *

_(Phoenix Wright: Objection!)_

Her?

* * *

_her_

* * *

HER!? DO I LOOK FEMININE!?

"Well..."

NOT A WORD, MEW!

* * *

_He had an idea._

* * *

I am almost afraid to ask.

* * *

_"Could you hold onto that for me for a minute?" Palkia requested the store clerk._

_"Sure."_

_Palkia stepped away from the store clerk and made his way to the small clock shop's only bathroom. He locked himself in. Closing his eyes, he morphed his left hand back into a sharp claw and his right shoulder back into the single pink pearl-encrusted in a gray rim._

_He hesitated. "Should I really do this?" he questioned himself. "…Yes. I worked this hard and I'm not about to let it go by. She deserves this much."_

_He moved his claw up to his right shoulder. Cautiously, he inserted his sharp claw into the gray rim that held his encrusted pearl. He slowly reached past the pearl and grasped his claw around the entire pearl. He tried to pull it out with 1 hard tug, but the pain of it was immense and left him wincing in pain. The pearl was slightly shifted though, indicating that at least he was getting somewhere._

_He tried a second hard tug. This time the pearl became even looser, but Palkia screamed in pain. The pain in his shoulder was comparable to having your shoulder blade yanked out. He knew that one more tug would free the pearl and would get him Dialga's present._

_"Sir?" someone asked on the other side of the locked bathroom door. "Are you OK? I heard your screaming and…"_

_"No!" he lied. "I'm fine. Just slipped and fell that's all."_

_"…OK."_

* * *

OK!? You hear someone scream, who then replies that _all_ that happened was that they slipped and fell, and you just walk away?

_(Dawn: No need to worry!)_

* * *

_Palkia heard the footsteps of the man leaving. He sighed in relief, almost having been found out. He placed his claw back into the gray rim, and yanked as hard as possible to get the pearl out. It came out, with some of the pearl covered in blood._

* * *

"I think I'm going to be sick..."

Not on the floor Mew! Go in the-

"Ugh- To late..."

If you will excuse me for a few minutes...

* * *

_He resisted the urge to scream out in complete torture. Succeeding, he switched his right shoulder and left claw back into human forme to hide the injury. He wiped the blood off of the pearl and came out of the restroom, holding his shoulder._

_He walked back to the clerk and talked to him. "Umm, Mr. Clerk?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"I… don't have the money, but… will you accept this pearl?" he showed the pearl to the clerk. The clerk, in awe, observed the shining flawless pearl._

* * *

Yes, will you accept this giant, bloody pearl I somehow materialized in the bathroom?

So of course the clerk, being a completely imbecile; accepts the pearl.

* * *

_"My goodness…" he whispered. "This pearl… is absolutely incredible. It's perfect."_

_"So, you'll take it?" smiled a hopeful Palkia._

_"But of course!" the store clerk switched the diamond-encrusted pocket watch for Palkia's pearl. After the trade, Palkia walked out of the store._

_"Sure," he thought. "I had to trade part of my own flesh for Dialga's gift, but it's all worth it… right?"_

* * *

Unless if AuraWielder decides otherwise, then yes. So now we cut to Dialga who is also looking for a gift for Palkia.

* * *

_Elsewhere in the mall…_

_Dialga made her way through the mall, also in a human forme in order to avoid attracting obvious attention. She carefully dodged stray shoppers still searching for the Christmas bargains while making her way to a nearby GameStop. Palkia was a devoted video gamer,_

* * *

Unfortunately, yes, he is.

* * *

_Her charming looks of her human forme, long blue hair that went to her back, and a simple blue shirt and pants with coat, caught the attention of quite a few guys. They were promptly punched out by their wife / girlfriend for ogling at her. She ignored most of them as she made her way to the mall's GameStop._

* * *

_(Arceus' eyes grew wide in horror.)_

Just for the record, I do not support my son cross-dressing.

* * *

_She arrived and every guy there looking for a video game for their father / son / gamer girlfriend stopped to look at her. Dialga, along with every female there, rolled their eyes. She walked over to the portable gaming section. Palkia preferred portable gaming to console gaming, and spent more time on his DS than anyone else Dialga knew. Looking around, Dialga saw the Zelda 3DS bundle with Ocarina of Time 3DS packed in. If they was one series Palkia likes the most, it's Zelda. He enjoyed Zelda games even more than Pokémon games._

* * *

I can understand Pokemon games being in the Pokemon world, but Zelda games? Does this mean that Pokemon games exist in Zelda?

* * *

_Smiling, she picked it up and walked over to one of the store employees behind the desk._

_"A girl?" asked the weirded out employee, a guy socially awkward around girls. "We don't see many of you around here…"_

_"…Yeah. Anyway, I'd like to purchase this." she handed the empty box over to him._

_"Uhh… okay." he took the empty box and walked over to an area behind the desk, putting in the Limited Edition Zelda 3DS in, along with the Ocarina of Time remake._

_"That'll be 200 dollars, please."_

_Unlike Palkia, Dialga had enough money to pay for the gift. She reached into her pocket and pulled out 2 Benjamins. Handing them off to the employee, she traded the money for the 3DS._

_"Thanks." the employee said. "You know… I could use a date to the Christmas Day Ball tomorrow. Would you like to…?"_

_"No." she answered. She took the 3DS and immediately left the store, leaving the clerk to wallow in her rejection._

_"I can never get a date…"_

* * *

And something tells me you never will.

* * *

_Having a creepy guy unknowingly ask the commander of time out on a date was the least of Dialga's worries. As it was Christmas Eve, the 3DS supply was low and she had picked up the last 3DS there. Unfortunately, this made her a prime target for people yet to pick up a 3DS._

_As a Legendary, she had acute senses and something that was almost like a sixth sense. Using it, she could sense many of the male shoppers looking at her… well, not exactly HER per se, but that precious final Limited Edition Zelda 3DS Bundle…_

_She physically turned around to see many male gamers coming towards her at a rush that would even impress a Speed Forme Deoxys… and Dialga knew what they were after…_

_BANANAS!_

* * *

Um... Bananas? I-I have nothing.

* * *

_She hightailed it out of there as fast as she possibly could, but she wasn't very quick. For a Legendary Pokémon, her speed was only mediocre… this trait, unfortunately, carried over to her human forme. Before she knew it, she was overtaken by the male gamers, not caring AT ALL that they swarmed over an innocent (well OK, not really innocent) woman. All that matter was the 3DS._

_Dialga COULD have fought them all off, but as they say, there's strength in numbers._

* * *

There is also strength in being seventeen feet tall, weighing fifteen-hundred pounds and having the ability to control time. You even showed that Palkia had some strength carried over from his Pokemon form and yet Dialga is powerless to stop them.

* * *

_The box ended up getting ripped from her hands, and the 3DS and Zelda game slipped out. Dialga managed to space herself from the crowd while they fought over the 3DS like animals. By the time the police were able to break up the insane crowd, the damage had already been done. The 3DS was broken into two separate screens, scratches covered the entire handheld, and the battery had sprung out, now crushed on the floor._

_"Um, sorry about your 3DS, ma'am." the police officer apologized to her._

_She sighed. "It's not your fault. At least, I still have the receipt."_

_"You should be able to get another one after the holidays are over." he said as he gave the torn-up 3DS and game box to her. She stuffed what remained of the handheld inside._

_"Thanks…" she mumbled._

_"Oh, and Merry Christmas!" he told her as he left._

* * *

Is every mall employee as aloof as the Watch Store clerk?

* * *

_Cop: Sorry ma'am, we let the angry crowd that maimed you and destroyed your 200$ gift get away, but here's the broken husk. Merry Christmas!_

_Female Dialga: Thanks..._

* * *

Well, to make up for it Dialga decides to buy a bouquet with what money she has left, and then teleports back to the Hall, where a Christmas party is being hosted. And where am I the entire time? Apparently not supervising the party, because I'm busy planning the most destructive and pointless tour in history.

* * *

_He secretly writes fanfiction that everyone knows about._

_He crushed his sons effortlessly, and still loves them._

_He once saved the world... from himself._

_He is... The Most Interesting Pokemon in the World._

___(The scene suddenly changes to a fancy restaurant, with Arceus sitting on a ridiculously over-sized leather booth. A spanish guitar can be heard being played in the background.)_

I don't always host parties. But when I do, I make sure I am absent and entrust my home to a group of volatile Legendaries. Stay aloof, my friends.

* * *

_Lugia was flying near the top of the Hall of Origin, setting up some Christmas banners. He also hung gold and yellow wreaths from up high, enhancing the Christmas spirit of the Hall._

_"Hey Rayquaza! How you doing over there?"_

_Rayquaza, who was so into the holidays that he painted half of himself red, was decorating the other side of the Hall of Origin. He grinned, looking over at Lugia._

_"Going pretty good over here!" he shouted back. "Hey, how are your kids doing? Groudon and Kyogre are… still getting at each other's necks." he muttered, looking down nearby the Christmas tree to see Groudon and Kyogre beating each other up._

_"What can you do? Kids will be kids, no matter how old they get. Articuno's being a self-centered jerk… as always. Moltres is… well, the favorite. Don't tell my kids I said that."_

_"No promises." smirked Rayquaza._

_"Zapdos is doing well, but he's still a little… slow-witted, though."_

_"Can't be as slow as Groudon."_

_Lugia chuckled. "You got me there."_

* * *

Why are there so many points about speed in this story? First we see how Palkia was too slow to get to the store to get the sale, then how Dialga was too slow to escape an angry mob, then how Zapdos is an idiot and Groundon is the slowest Legendary.

* * *

_They continued to deck the halls while the Legendary Beasts were busy sweeping up debris from the decorations on the floor, with Raikou griping ALL the way._

_"This sucks." he whined. "Why do we have to do this?"_

_Entei was brushing the floor with his paw, bringing the debris over to the dust pan being held by Suicune._

_"Because Mom told us to." the Fire Beast told Raikou._

_"No, Arceus told us to. She's our GRANDMOTHER."_

* * *

Must... resist... urge to correct...

* * *

_Suicune dumped it in the trash can and dropped the pan, glaring at Raikou. "You know, you've been doing a lot of complaining for someone who hasn't lifted a paw. Actually, you know what? Why don't YOU do the other half, Raikou?"_

_Both Entei and Suicune smirked, leaving Raikou by himself. "Now THIS sucks." he complained. "Getting captured by Team Rocket couldn't be this bad…"_

* * *

_(Arceus rolled his eyes.)_

Be careful what you wish for.

* * *

_Back in Dialga's spacious room with her back in normal forme, she looked at the bouquet of flowers and sighed. "Flowers… for a Christmas present. This is ridiculous." she muttered to herself. "I'm going to look so cheap."_

_Palkia, also transformed back into his Pokémon forme, was in his room, looking at the ½ karat diamond-encrusted watch he had bought. He felt his shoulders with his left claw. The pearl still wasn't there, and the shoulder joint was still in great pain from ripping the pearl out. "Well… it's worth it." he smiled softly. "Yeah, she'll love it."_

_Christmas Eve had finally come and the clock was ready to strike midnight. All of the Legendaries, save the young ones, were in the main hallway, ready to exchange gifts with their counterpart. Zekrom was eager to give Reshiram the new feather accessory, a Blue Feather, she had been wanting. Groudon, on the other hand, wanted to give nothing to Kyogre, because 'women shouldn't get Christmas presents'. Needless to say, Kyogre also didn't have a present for the sexist._

_Dialga looked nervously at Palkia, with her bouquet of flowers hidden by her massive paw. Palkia also felt anxiety creep up on him. He had a great gift, but when Dialga found out that he used his own shoulder pearl to pay for it…_

* * *

_(King Arthur: What are you going to do? Bleed on me?)_

I suppose it's more appropriate here than in the last review.

* * *

_"I…I guess I'll go first." Palkia muttered. He held the wrapped gift in front of him, concealing his right shoulder from Dialga's view. "Merry Christmas, Dialga."_

_"Umm, thank you." Dialga mentally lifted the gift from Palkia out of his hands and in front of herself. She unwrapped the gift to see the item that she had always wanted._

_"It's… It's that pocket watch you wanted. You like it?"_

_Dialga smiled, happy to see that she got what she wanted… but it only made her feel worse over what she got Palkia. "Yes… I-I love it."_

_Hesitantly, she lifted her paw to push the flowers she had gotten for him up to him. Palkia picked up the flowers, with an uncertain expression on his face._

_"I'm a cheapskate. I'm a cheapskate. I'm a cheap-"_

_"Thanks Dialga. They're beautiful." he smiled back to her._

_"R-Really?" she looked at Palkia, surprised. "I… I was going to get you that 3DS you wanted, Limited Zelda Edition too… but it… kinda got ripped up by-"_

_"Those crazy shoppers." they said simultaneously._

_"Don't I know it?" smiled Palkia._

* * *

No, I don't think you do. Because you weren't the one to nearly get trampled to death by them.

* * *

_"Still, I feel pretty cheap." she muttered. "Hey, why does your shoulder look so disjointed? Wait, is it bleeding?"_

_"It's-It's nothing." he lied._

* * *

Really, it's nothing! I just have a giant bleeding hole in my arm.

_(Dawn: No need to worry.)_

Yes, I know I used that quote earlier, but that's how aloof and nonchalant Palkia is in this story.

* * *

_"I know when you're lying, Palkia. Women just know these things. Turn around."_

_Regretfully, Palkia turned around to give Dialga a clear view of his right shoulder. Blood was leaking, but not much, from the wound. Inside his shoulder blade… was no pearl._

_"Palkia, what happened to your pearl?"_

_The master of space sighed. "Might as well tell the truth, you're too good at seeing through lies. I used my pearl to pay for that pocket watch. The money I had wasn't enough and… you deserve a really good gift. 'Cause you're a really great Pokémon."_

_"Palkia… you didn't… hold on." She levitated the pocket watch that Palkia gave her and mentally inserted it into Palkia's shoulder blade, where the pearl once was. It fit perfectly._

_"Dialga, what are you…?"_

_"It means more to me than you gave up part of your own body for me, than the gift itself. At least let me return the favor."_

_Palkia smiled. "Well… thank you, Dialga. I do like gaming… but you're all I need for Christmas this year."_

_"Merry Christmas." she told him._

_"And a Merry Christmas to you."_

* * *

And with that, we end this story on a heartwarming note. So what is my Judgement? I liked this, a lot. While Palkia and the entire mall staff are aloof idiots, and I'm not all too keen on being portrayed as a woman, this is still a light, heartwarming story that captures the sacrifice and companionship of Christmas. Well, with that done, Mew has been trying to get my attention for most of this review and I think it would be wise to see what she wants.

* * *

**The End**

_**Credits**_

_Pokemon: The Rise of Darkrai_

_CSI: Miami_

_Pokemon World Tour_

_A Christmas Carol_

_Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney_

_Pokemon: Diamond and Pearl_

_The Most Interesting Man in the World_

_Monty Python and The Holy Grail_

**_Special Thanks_**

_AuraWielder_


	12. Comedic Scene 3

**In the Ghost World...**

The dark dimension of the ghost world, with it's floating stone platforms and eerie purplish glow, was at peace again. After the "Phantom of Unova" and petty tyrant of the realm, Zalton, had been destroyed by Dusknoir, things had returned to normal in the plane. Well, as normal as they could get considering the fact that Ghost Pokémon could pop in and out of the realm at any given time.

But in a dark, neglected corner of the realm, the Zoroark was still living, and plotting his revenge. In a last ditch effort he had created an illusion and faked his death, and now, with his small band of followers, was creating his weapon of revenge against Keldeo. When it was completed, he held up the flash drive, and started to rant to no one in particular.

"This time... THIS TIME! That my little pony reject won't escape my wrath!"

The Lampent floating in the corner decided to interrupt his master. "But the last time we tried that flash drive trick, we failed to destroy the Keldeo. How's it going to work this time?" The crazed Zoroark then turned to his upstart minion.

"FOOL!" he shouted. "We're not going to destroy Keldeo with this, we're going to break him. We will torment him until he loses all his will and desire to live, and begs for us to end his misery. _Then_ we will kill him."

"But how will that destroy the Swords of Justice?" asked one of the Litwick cowering behind the Lampent.

"This is personal. I couldn't care less about the Swords, I just want Keldeo."

"Then why not just kill Meloetta?"

"Because that would draw to much attention!" Zalton hissed. "If we do that we will have to deal with a rampaging Keldeo, the rest of the Swords, _and_ Dusknoir!. I'm still recovering from my "death" and won't be able to fight all of them at once." Zalton's eyes flashed briefly and then he changed into a Delibird.

"Now, I have a pony to go torment." he then turned around as a portal opened up and flew inside.

* * *

_BOOOOOOOOOOM!_

The wall was blown apart by three Psywaves from Mew, Mewtwo and Mewtwo Girl.

_**Two Mewtwos and Mew**_

Mewtwo charged his giant spoon with Psychic energy and fired it in a flash of power.

Mew and Mewtwo clashed in an epic battle.

_**Actually, I have a confession to make**_

Mewtwo Girl and Red Genesect embraced each other passionately as they fell down through the atmosphere.

_**In the next Pokemon movie**_

_**M17, The Cocoon of Destruction**_

Mewtwo broke out of the metallic claws.

Mewtwo Girl destroyed the electric orbs around her.

Mew giggle as she played on a windmill.

_**They're gonna feature both of my new Mega Evolution forms...**_

Mew floated in an orb of Aura was Ash and Lucario projected their Aura into it.

Mewtwo Girl in her Mega Y Form caught three Pokeballs in her Psychic grip and crushed them.

_**Both my X form and my Y form, hopefully that means both me and Mewtwo Girl will be in the movie...**_

The three Legendary Psychic-type floated proudly as Mewtwo twirled his giant spoon.

_**I still think those forms look terrible.**_

**Keldeo the Critic**

**The DNA Experiments by NaturesChildRosella**

It's me! Keldeo the Critic! I review Pokemon Fanfiction when I'm not training with the Swords of Justice!

Hey!

_(suddenly a Delibird flew down in front of Keldeo)_

Sorry to interrupt your intro, but I got a special delivery for you!

Really! What is it?

_(the Delibird then reached into his sack and pulled out a flash drive)_

Not sure. But I have to deliver some more gifts. See Ya!

(the Delibird then flew off, leaving Keldeo to look at the flash drive apprehensively)

Well... I was going to review _The DNA Experiments, _but there might be something good for Mew and Mewtwo Madness!

_(Keldeo then plugged the flash drive into his Laptop, only to see all of the worst parts of the "KeldeoXMeloetta Sixty Oneshots and Prompts" CGI movie come together in a montage.)_

**_ZUUUUUUUL- _**

Nope!

_(Keldeo then slammed the laptop shut.) _

Well, I guess blasting Santa Christ and Bartholomew into orbit boosted my EV's and IV's.

_(Keldeo then activated his Secret Sword and brought it down on the flash drive, only for the device to release a burst of dark energy and send Keldeo flying back.)_

Great! I can't write a review with this in and I can't get the flash drive out without destroying my laptop! I don't know what to do!

Wait! Since Matthias and Justinian did that merger I can just get Arceus to help.

_(Keldeo then grabbed his laptop and galloped off towards the Hall of Origin with it.)_

* * *

When Keldeo arrived he saw that the bronze doors were already open, and Keldeo just walked in.

"Hey Arceus!" when Keldeo got no reply he walked a bit deeper in the Hall to find Arceus aimlessly wandering around and looking under or around everything in the room.

"Hey Arceus, whatcha doin?"

"I am looking for Mew." he said without even stopping.

"Why, did she blow something up again?"

"No. But I have to find her before she does." it was clear that Arceus was becoming irritated.

"So why is she hiding?" Arceus then sighed, swallowing his dignity.

"Because... Because we are playing hide and seek." Keldeo snorted.

"And she'll leave you alone once you find her?" Keldeo asked jokingly.

"That was the agreement. I do not know why you are here Keldeo, but I am rather busy. I am sure Justinian or Matthias could help you just as well as I could."

"Well, about that... You see I have this-" Keldeo was cut off by an explosion from a nearby hallway. Arceus immediately shot up and sped towards the smoke.

"I guess I should go see Justinian."

* * *

At the Blachernae in Constantinople:

Justinian was seated behind a desk in his study, with Keldeo standing on the other side.

"A demonic flash drive?" Justinian asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Yes. Arceus said you could help me." the man the sighed at the realization that he had no choice.

"If Arceus said I could help, I suppose I have no choice." He then bent down and opened a door in his desk.

"You- You don't have to help me just because Arceus said so. Right?"

"Oh but I do." Justinian then pulled out a bottle of wine and a glass from his desk door and placed it on the desk.

"How is _wine_ going to help us?" Keldeo asked as the Emperor started pouring himself a glass.

"It's not. It's going to help me. I'm not nearly drunk enough to believe such a story." Keldeo just deadpanned as the man sucked down his glass. Once he put the glass back down, he exhaled and blinked a few times.

"Now, what was your problem again?" still in disbelief, Keldeo just muttered out the three words again.

"Demonic flash drive."

"Oh, yes, yes, yes. Better have another glass." after he downed his second glass he put both the bottle and glass back in his door then turned back to Keldeo.

"Alright, let me have a look." Keldeo then put the laptop the desk. Justinian then took it, and opened the top to see the images start flashing back on the screen. He wasn't fazed in the slightest and just tried to pull out the drive. When it didn't budge he tried to use both of his hands to pull it out, only for it to blast him with the same wave of energy that it did Keldeo. He quickly stood up, clearly sober again, and walked back over to the desk.

"I think I have an idea." the Byzantine said while grabbing the machine. "Follow me please." he and Keldeo strode out of the room and after a short walk, ended up in a garden. Justinian then threw the laptop to the ground and walked over to a large rock. Grabbing it on both sides, he lifted it up with a great amount of difficulty and slowly trudged over to the laptop.

It was actually funny to watch the grown man struggle carrying the rock, but it wasn't until he got within a few feet of the laptop that it clicked with Keldeo what he was planning on doing.

"Wait, NO!" but it was too late, he dropped the rock on the laptop and shattered it to pieces.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH A LAPTOP IS WORTH!?" shouted Keldeo. Justinian just ignored him and picked up the flash drive, which was still intact.

"Here, as long as you don't put it in anything else, I am sure you will be fine." he said as he handed Keldeo the device.

"But how am I going to write my reviews if I don't have a laptop?" Justinian seemed to consider the question for a moment before reaching inside his cloak and pulling something out.

"Yes, I suppose it would be tragic if you were unable to write any more reviews, so this should cover the damage." the man said as he tied the small coin pouch around Keldeo's horn.

"Thanks. Hey wait, I have no arms! How am I supposed to get this off?"

"By the same obscure means that you carried that laptop around and wrote on it. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go find the man who sold me that wine." the Emperor went off leaving Keldeo alone. Keldeo then shook his head, feeling the weight of the pouch.

"Heh... Hello HP Envy..."

* * *

"A ROCK!" Zalton shouted at the portal he was looking through.

_(Filly Rarity: A Rock!?)_

_(Spongebob: It's a rock!)_

"A ROCK FOILED MY PLAN!" Zalton then jumped through the portal in his fury, leaving behind his terrified minions.

He landed in a distant part of the palace garden. But he didn't see Belisarius and a Cataphract behind him, who were busy taking about one thing or another when the Demonic Pokémon dropped out of thin air. The two men quickly exchanged glances, only for Belisarius to draw his sword and hit the Pokémon on the back of the head with the flat side, knocking him out.

* * *

**Note from the Author:**

This chapter was co-written by me and Matthias to celebrate Arceus the Critic transferring onto his account, which is why there is a MLP reference. Eventually I had looked over it and realized there was a lot I could do better with it and decided to do a revision. Since it was on his account I decided to write it in his style, but after a few chapters I decided it would probably save us both time and trouble if I just had it on my profile so I wouldn't have to bother him every time I sent a revised chapter, but I decided to keep it in his format for consistencies sake.


	13. Editoral: 10 Things Wrong with X and Y

Hi everyone! It's me, your favorite Psychic Type... Mew! A while ago I finished playing Pokemon Y and was looking forward to the post game. Then I realized there was none. After that I started thinking over the game itself and realized a lot of things that were wrong or could have been done better, and with help from Kyurem I've come up with this list.

_(Mew then pulled a ridiculously large list out of nowhere that had hundreds of lines on it, all of which said candy.)_

Oops! Sorry, that's my grocery list. This is the list.

_(Mew then pulled out another list which was much shorter.)_

Now, I present:

**Arceus the Critic**

**10 Things Wrong with X and Y**

**Number 10: Team Flare**

This is number 10 because it's really negligible, but it's still annoying. I mean in terms of both a character and a villain, Lysandre is probably one of the best developed characters in Pokemon History (even if he did rip off Lion-O's hairdo) but it really ends there. Pokemon had the ball rolling in creating really villainous teams with Team Galatic and Team Plasma... and then we got Team Flare. These people make Team Rocket look dangerous.

* * *

_Prepare for trouble, we're not Team Flare!_

_And make it double, we'll give you quite a scare!_

* * *

Yeah, that's how scary these fashion-obsessed freaks are; that Team Rocket has a right to make fun of them.

The grunts look like runaway circus clowns and the scientists look like Doctor Who rejects. The only time when they actually become a threat instead of a nuisance is when Lysandre comes on the scene, but by then it's almost impossible to take them seriously.

And how come the Grunts get battle animations but not the Gym Leaders, Elite Four or Champion?

**Number 9: The Buggiest Pokemon Game in History**

I'm not exactly sure why this game is so buggy, but Pokemon has already had to release three patches. Sure, we've come to expect a lot of patches with computer games (Paradox even gives away free stuff in their patches) but this is unheard of for a Pokemon game. I guess I can just sum this up with what Kyurem's friend, Mr. Grool, put on his profile:

"_Let me say this; Maybe that Lumoise City glitch wouldn't have happened if Game Freak hadn't spent so much time allowing you to touch Lopunny and Gardevoir on Pokemon Amie._"

**Number 8: A Change of Clothes**

Pokemon has had a good history of making the player's sprite look good (save the obvious exception of Black and White 2), but in Pokemon X and Y they've added in the ability to change your character's appearance.

While this new feature may seem to be good at first, Pokemon really screwed it up. The first glaring problem is that most of the clothing is unoriginal and almost all of the decent clothing is in the Lumiose Boutique, but you can't even get into that until you increase your "Style". I'll tear into that later.

Another problem is you can't truly customize your sprite. For one you're stuck with having to wear a hat and an accessory. So what if you don't wan't to wear a hat or have a feather in your cap? The game basically just says too bad.

Finally you're almost usually stuck with either t-shirts, zip-up jackets and skinny jeans. The only variety is in color and all the clothing is horribly overpriced. The only reason why this isn't higher on the list is because getting new clothing is optional.

**Number 7: Four Rivals (Five if you count Korrina)**

_(Mew sighed with a defeated look on her face.)_

This is actually one of the more subtle things that went wrong here but it's still important enough that both me and Kyurem noticed it. Ever since Gen III it's been tradition to have two rivals, but Pokemon seems to have gotten the brilliant idea that four is a better number.

Let me explain to you why that's a bad idea; all of the rivals except Serena/Calem are bland and underdeveloped. In addition to the fact that you barely get any glimpses into their personalities, you only battle Shauna, Teirno and Trevor twice while you battle Serena/Calem five times. Maybe if they dropped Tierno and Trevor they could have focused more on Shauna, who appears the most out of the three anyways, they could have actually made her more interesting (and more of a rival instead of someone who just tags along).

**Number 6: Gym Leaders**

It's also been tradition since Gen III to be able to challenge the Gym Leaders again. Be it via the PokeNav or through the World Tournament, you've always been able to fight the Gym Leaders in post-game.

Pokémon has kept this tradition alive via the Battle Chateau but rather than getting to fight stronger versions of the Gym Leaders, you actually fight weaker versions! By the time you become a Viscount or Duke you've probably already defeated the league and your Pokémon are already Level 60+ and all the Gym Leaders bring are two Level 40 Pokémon.

In addition to being unable to challenge stronger versions of the Gym Leaders, almost all of them are even more bland than your rivals. The only one that breaks character and becomes interesting is Korrina, who is arguably the toughest Leader as well, but once you beat her she disappears too. This is a huge step down from the Unova leaders, almost all of whom had personality.

And, as Kyurem pointed out; their theme music sounds like you're fighting a group of Techno Gangsters.

**Number 5: Lumiose City's Style**

_(Mew's eye started to twitch as she frowned.)_

I can only say; WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!?

This has got to be one of the most inane concepts in a Pokemon game ever. This is the Pokemon equivalent of hazing. And what is the only way to increase your style? Spend your hard earned Poke on pointless services.

And the restaurants which require you to complete a battle in a certain amount of time are some of the best places to earn style at. And if you don't complete it in the specified time, the chefs will usually make a passive aggressive remark before leaving, seemingly forgetting that their paychecks rely on your Poke.

And what's the most prestigious of the restaurants you ask? It's not a fancy, upper class Kalosian restaurant, but a hole-in-the wall sushi shop. I think that's pretty self-explanatory.

What's worse is that your style isn't affected by anything you do outside of Lumiose City. Sure, you're the champion and saved Kalos, but the Lumiose Boutique will still bar you because your not stylish enough.

* * *

_Boutique Clerk: I'm sorry sir, but you're not stylish enough to be here. We don't want you ruining our business._

_Player: But I'm the Champion!_

_Boutique Clerk: So what? Come back when we've heard of you._

* * *

Sure, that's not what they really say, but that's the gist of it. Add that to the fact that you can (and have to at one point) make those ridiculous PR videos and can change your hair and eye color via dyes and contacts just shows how vain Lumiose is.

And it gets worse. Lumiose City has some of the best items, including someone who will sell you Mega Stones, but all of it is overpriced and the only way to get stuff at a reasonable price is to increase your style.

**Number 4: Frustrating Legendaries**

You remember back in Gen III when you had to constantly chase Latios/Latias around? Or in Gen IV when you had to chase Cresselia and Mersprit around too? Well getting Moltres/Zapdos/Articuno is like that, but worse.

Think of it like a never ending game of Marco Polo. If you look at your Pokedex to see where they are, or even accidentally fly near where they are, they'll go other to the other side of Kalos. Oh, and if you take to long to get there they'll move too. And if you happen to come across it, it will flee immediately, before you even get to issue an attack. And then you have to repeat the process nine more times before you can finally get a chance at capturing it!

**Number 3: Not Enough Legendaries**

Keldeo actually pointed this one out. And I have to agree. Right now, Pokémon X and Y has fewer Legendary Pokémon in it than Gen I did at it's completion. And Gen I only had five!

That pretty much speaks for itself.

**Number 2: Fairy Types**

I talked with Kyurem a bit about this, and we both came to conclusion that the Fairy Type is way too overpowered. The only type which is more overpowered than Fairy Types are Gen I Psychic Types.

Seriously, this type is even more overpowered than Dragon Types: it's effective against the three of the most powerful types, resistant against three types and immune to one.

The only reason they created this type in the first place was to knock down Dragon Types a notch. But Ice types did that perfectly, especially considering most Dragon Types were also Ground or Flying.

Kyurem noted they were also a bit too generous in handing out the new type: Gardevior, Marill and Mr. Mime don't make much sense. Pokémon is also going to have to do a lot of retconning. Imagine what will happen when Ash gets home and sees Mr. Mime.

* * *

_Ash: Hey Mom, I'm home for the next thirty minutes! Oh hi, Mr Mime!_

_Mr. Mime: Mime (Hi)!_

_Ash: Why didn't you tell us you were a super powerful Pokémon who could easily take down a Dragon Type?_

_Mr. Mime: Mr. Mime, Mime (I'd just prefer to clean, see you again in a few seasons)._

* * *

Maybe part of the reason for the new type is because of Black and White and Pokémon Conquest.

Ghestis' Hydriegon was overpowered, yes, and Nobunaga was even more powerful, having a Hydriegon, Zekrom and a Black Rayquaza that even Arceus struggled against.

But neither of them would have been the final boss if they could have easily been crushed with only a Sylveon.

**Number 1: No Postgame **

This is probably the biggest complaint against X and Y out there. It's story is the length of Pokémon Colosseum and XD's (both of which are far better) but it has practically no postgame.

What made Pokémon Emerald and Platinum (arguably) the two greatest Pokémon Games was not just their story; it was also the Post Game. Once you had beaten the Pokémon League, there was so much you could do; Contests and Pokeblocks/Poffins, beat the Battle Frontier, challenge Trainer Hill (Emerald), catch the Legendaries, defeat the remnants of Galactic (Platinum), fight stronger Gyms and the Pokémon League, explore the underground (Platinum), play the safari, and explore the previously inaccessible areas.

X and Y has almost none of these.

Overall X and Y had a lot of potential, but I think they blew a lot of it by focusing mainly on improving the graphics rather than the story and gameplay in general.

Now that's over, I'm going to go get something to eat. Bye!

* * *

**The End**

_**Credits**_

_Thundercats_

_Doctor Who_

_Keldeo the Critic- Season Two_

_Kyurem the Critic_

_Paradox Interactive_

_Pokémon Black/White/2_

_Pokémon Colosseum_

_Pokémon Conquest_

_Pokémon Emerald_

_Pokémon Platinum_

_Pokémon Red/Blue/Yellow_

_Pokémon XD_

_Pokémon X/Y_

**_Special Thanks_**

_Mr. Grool_

_Matthias Unidostres_

* * *

**Note from the Author:**

I made this after being inspired both by Keldeo's Top 11 Dumbest Gates to Infinity Moments and a few conversations I had with Mr. Grool over the topic. Personally I find it a bit refreshing to see something that's critical of X and Y rather than just endlessly praising it, even if I was the one who wrote it.

I really hope that Alpha Sapphire and Omega Ruby can make up for X and Y. Sapphire was my first Pokémon game and I got some 320+ hours on one Emerald save (I played Emerald itself well into 2009), and writing about it is already making me nostalgic.

As an afterthought, this will probably be the last review for a while. I'll still do two more chapters, a review and a sketch, to end this but I can't say when I will get it out.


	14. In Memoriam

Arceus was sitting on his throne in the Grand Hall, reading a copy of the _Daily Pantheon _while telepathically hovering a cup of tea next to him. He levitated the tea to his non-existent mouth, somehow sipping the drink while he mentally turned the page. He then dropped the cup, sending shards and tea sprawling across the polished floors as all of his attention was diverted to something he had not seen in the Honorable Mentions section since the "Altomare Incident": an obituary. His eyes scrolled over the contents, only for Arceus to repeat them verbally just to grasp the impact of what had happened.

"Keldeo the Critic perished at the age of sixteen while valiantly fighting against a plot hole. He was an apprentice to the Swords of Justice and a critic who enjoyed to make people laugh as well as to tear into awful fanfiction. His endeavors inspired many legendaries to pick up critiquing themselves, such as Kyurem, Genesect, Darkrai, the now retired Mewtwo and Arceus. He is survived by his three masters; Cobalion, Virizion, and Terrakion, his girlfriend Meloetta and his rival/spiritual successor; Kyurem the Critic. A short memorial service will be held in the Moor of Icirrus"

Arceus stopped reading after that and tossed the newspaper aside with a flick of the head. He then sighed and hovered over to the large window, gazing at the somehow, yet dramatically appropriate, setting sun. He started to think back at all the times that he and Keldeo didn't share, at all the experiences they didn't have, of how they didn't get through thick and thin together and how they didn't make the perfect team. And despite being only acquaintances, and occasionally giving each other advice, he still missed the young, upbeat colt. He would miss his wit, his friendly smile, and his zeal in defeating injustice.

But... Perhaps he might return one day. If that was the case, he eagerly looked forward to the return of the Critic.

"The review must go on, after all."

* * *

**Note from the Author:**

I made this chapter because, well, I wanted to just give my reflections on the impact of Matthias' leaving. Along with Aura Wielder he was something of a role model to me; what both an author and a critic should be, and I'm sure he was that way to a lot of other critics on this site who were inspired by his reviews. And while I like to think I've come a long way since my (almost) two years of being here, I know I certainly have a long way to go before I even get close to his level of expertise.

I suppose this also served as a wake-up call. It reminded me that everything has to come to a conclusion eventually, no matter how much we like it (example: Seinfeld). Whether or not he is just taking a hiatus or has retired from fanfiction, I don't know. What caused this, whether it was college, (more) technical problems, life or just a lack of motivation I don't know either. But I do know that a writer of his stature will not be forgotten, and that he will continue to inspire more writers, and be missed by the ones who knew him.

Finally, for those of you who are wondering when I will get a new review out, I can't say. But I will say it will be the last.


	15. The Finale

_SLASH-BOOOOOM!_

The wall was blown apart by Arceus' Judgement.

"If you wanted a theme song, you should have gone to Keldeo." Arceus then floated away from the wreckage and into his study, where the computer Mewtwo had built for him for Christmas was housed.

"Before I begin though, I would actually like to say two things. First, I'd like to thank everyone who has endured this rather bumpy ride with me. Second, though I suppose I am to blame for not communicating this clearly: this review will only be the last in the season. I enjoy savagely berating awful fanfiction too much to give up now. In the meantime between Season Two you can always go back and read the revised chapters. So-"

Suddenly Mew waddled into the study, wearing an eyepatch and a helmet with a large crescent that nearly engulfed her head.

"Hiya, Arcy!" Arceus' eye twitched at the nickname. He then took a deep breath and approached Mew as calmly as he could.

"Mew?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you wearing a helmet and eyepatch?" Mew only blinked a few times, as if she forgot she was wearing the objects to begin with.

"Oh. Well, after playing through Pokemon Y a second time, I wanted to play a Pokemon game that actually had a post-game, so I picked up Pokemon Conquest again!" she replied, as if that was the most logical answer.

"I see. And where, pray tell, did you get these accessories?'' Mew only giggled nervously in response.

* * *

Masamune awoke to the warm rays of the sun falling upon him. His stood up in bed and rubbed his eyes, only to jolt back in shock when he realized he could feel both of his eyes instead of an eyepatch. He then looked over to his bedside table, where his helmet and dueling pistols were kept, and through his good eye saw they were missing as well. He then growled, having no doubt in his mind as too who was responsible.

"MAGOICHI!"

* * *

"Just return them to wherever you got them by the end of the day." Mew squealed in delight, and as Arceus turned around she pulled out two dueling pistols from seemingly nowhere, firing off a few shots before running down the hall.

"Is this my punishment for the events of the Twelth Movie?" Arceus wondered aloud, horrified.

"Well, I suppose all of that is moot now. Onto the review. Since this is the season finale, and I want to make this memorable I will be reviewing five-"

"Three Sir!"

"Three stories as opposed to one. The stories I will be reviewing today, in order, are: Frigid Fun in Illusio, The Photo in my Boot and The Secret. So, why don't we start?"

**Arceus the Critic**

**"Frigid Fun in Illusio" by ShimoRyu**

* * *

_**Frigid Fun in Illusio**_

_By: ShimoRyu_

_An unatural amount of snow falls upon Illusio one winter, and this is how Nya, Kanetsugu, Aya, Kenshin and their Pokemon spend the day. Takes place during part one of Nya's story!_

* * *

This short story is essentially about having fun on a snow day, though, as the summary implies, it feels more like a missing chapter than a short story. Regardless, let us see if ShimoRyu can capture the whimsical feel of a snow day. So we start off from the perspective of the main character: Nya.

* * *

_It was the middle of winter in Illusio. Aya Had told me just the day before that occasionally it snows pretty hard here, but  
no one ever knew when it would happen._

* * *

So you could be in the middle of a drought and it still can snow? Now, keep in mind Illusio is mountainous, I'm just surprised that wasn't mentioned as the reason.

* * *

_You can only imagine my excitement then when I woke up to large, white, fluffylooking, delicate flakes falling outside my window. A big goofy grin spread across my face as I leapt from my sleeping spot to stare outside._

* * *

And so, I guess all of you can figure out what Nya does next: the same routine every kid does to their parents on Christmas morning.

* * *

_Quickly after looking at the snow I ran over and set about waking up Eevee._

_"Eevee! Eevee! It's snowing! Wake up!" My little partner Pokémon raised her head as if she couldn't care less, but upon seeing the snow, she became quite cheerful._

_I quickly put on some warmer clothes, and the two of us ran out of our room. Our first objective was to go wake up  
Kanetsugu. With this much snow, surely Kenshin and Aya would cancel our lessons for at least one day. At least I could  
only hope for that._

* * *

_(Ferris Bueller: How can I possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this?)_

So Nya get's into her best friend's room, because apparently castle doors have no sort of locking mechanism, and finds he's still asleep.

* * *

_"Kanetsugu." I said semi-quietly as I knelt down next to him. "Go away Nya." He mumbled pulling the covers over his head._

_I quickly pulled them back. "Come on, Nat! Just get up and look out the window at least." He nodded once as if to say fine. He knew that at this point arguing was pointless._

* * *

You're giving up so quickly, Kanetsugu? Not even a rant on honor? I'm almost disappointed.

* * *

_As soon as Kanetsugu got up and looked outside, his eyes grew wide in surprise. "Great Arceus!" He exclaimed. "I've never even seen snow here except for on the Snowy Mountain, much less snow this deep! It's-"_

_"Amazing?" I asked cutting him off._

_"I was going to say frightening, but I suppose that works as well." He sighed when he saw the beyond joyful look on my face. Without even needing to ask, Kanetsugu already knew the exact thing I was going to say next. "If you leave so I can get dressed, I'll meet you at the castle door and we can go outside…"_

* * *

So he does exactly that, fortunately Nya heeding his advice to leave so he can change, and we get to the whimsical part.

* * *

_The second we had made it outside into the knee-deep snow, I immediately leaped directly into it, and began forming a snow angel. Eevee had fallen off my shoulder as I fell and now could barely be seen through the thickness of the snow. Kanetsugu bent down and picked her up letting little Eevee sit on his shoulder for the time being. Aya stepped out of the castle and laughed a little at the sight in front of her. "You really are from Nixtorm Nya. You look right at home here, and the cold doesn't even seem to affect you."_

_"I'd be ashamed if it did!" I said cheerfully, as I got up. Then a thought came into my head. "Aya, with Kenshin's Gallade, how quickly can you put together two snow castles?"_

* * *

In about a few paragraphs.

* * *

_"Not very long actually." Aya had a knowing smile on her face. "I have a feeling about what you have in mind. I'll go ask for his help."_

_"Great! Thank you very much!" I said as Aya walked off. I then turned to Kanetsugu. "Have you ever been ice-skating before?"_

_"Yes." He replied. "But it's been years."_

_"So long as you still know how we'll be good!" I shouted running for the pond with two pairs of skates that I had set down with no one noticing, and Eevee back on my shoulder. Kanetsugu just shook his, glanced at Kadabra, shrugged, and then followed after me. He was following Eevee's crazy phillosphy of, "If you can't beat 'em join 'em," at this point._

* * *

So does that mean if Eevee is defeated in battle it will abandon Nya? Is this Eevee a member of Team Plasma? You know, this brings up the point of what N would think of Ransei. I'd like to see someone write a story about N ending up in Ransei; it would certainly be more interesting than most of the endless romances about him and Hilda.

* * *

_At the pond the two of us quickly put on the skates and got onto the ice. Kanetsugu had a hard time finding his balance at first, but was soon able to maintain a steady pace. I on the other hand took to the ice as if I had been born on it. All of the time I spend ice-skating with my mom, while my brother and father were off training or something, was not forgotten, and I was practically flying around the pond. Kanetsugu and I skated in circles and figure eights for what felt like hours._

_It probably would have gone on even longer too, if only I'd noticed the patch of thin ice sooner. I had stopped but forgot to shout a warning to Kanetsugu who soon fell into the frigid waters below. Luckily Kadabra had come with us and used a Psychic attack to pull him out. After that incident we all headed back to the castle at an even faster pace than we had made our way there._

* * *

_(Arceus' voice become hushed.)_

Run, Kanetsugu, Run!

So then we transfer inside the castle, to a scene where they are trying to recover from what I can only assume is premature frostbite, when Ms. Plot Device comes back in and informs them that the snow castles are finished.

* * *

_The two snow castles that were constructed were simple but amazing in design, and perfect for the idea that I had._

* * *

And what design would that be? You can't just say something is amazing and provide no reason for it.

_(Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at?)_

* * *

_A game of Yuki Gassen. Basically it was like a game of capture the flag, except with snowballs. Each team, (Aya, Froslass, __Kenshin, and Gallade and Kanetsugu, Kadabra, Eevee, and myself,) would be allowed to have a total of ninety __snowballs. The goal was to capture the opposing team's bokken (wooden practice sword), without losing your own or all __your team members. Also if one of your teammates was hit with a snowball, they were out._

* * *

I'm usually indifferent to the addition of foreign words in a story, depending on how they are handled. Now, take the Katana for example. While it is also commonly called a Samurai Sword, most people know it to just be a Japanese word for a certain type of longsword. If an author describes it as such, without blatantly saying it is a longsword, most readers will probably understand without having to disrupt the flow of the story.

Unfortunately, ShimoRyu does the exact opposite.

* * *

_Kanetsugu and I immediately worked to establish our stockpile of snowballs and also our tactics. The biggest question was how Eevee was going to be of any help since she couldn't even be seen above the snow, but that gave our team an advantage._

* * *

___(Masamune: Imbecile!)_

_(Arceus rolled his eyes.)_

Oh, really? I wonder how. It's not as if a small Pokémon can easily sneak through snow that is taller than it and grab the enemies' sword while they're distracted with a barrage of snowballs.

Now, to ShimoRyu's credit, she does explain out the plan in detail, and even points out the flaw of Gallade being able to detect Eevee. But I still believe most readers would be able to discern that is what Nya's plan is.

* * *

_The three of us began to rapidly fire snowballs, as Eevee began to tunnel her way through the snow. Aya and Kenshin's team had a nice balance of offence and defense, as they hid behind walls of snow, while firing snowballs at us. We began to do the same thing after Kadabra got hit and we began to run low on snowballs. I could see by the snow that Eevee was almost to bokken, but what I didn't know at the time, was that Aya and Kenshin had exchanged a nod to initiate the execution of their plan. The snow where Eevee was suddenly had a slight bluish glow coming from deep under at the point that by now she had to be at. This same glow had now surrounded our bokken, and both Eevee and the bokken were levitated into the air. Eevee however was sent over to our side, while the wooden practice sword now lay in Kenshin's hands. "Victory." He simply stated._

* * *

_(Skipper: Well. This sucks.)_

* * *

_Aya then smiled a far more cheerful smile than her normal calm one. "You never said we couldn't use our Pokémon's powers."_

* * *

Well, I do have to say that was a decent battle scene. So after that, Frigid Fun in Illusio simply ends with Nya falling asleep, content with her snow day.

So what is my Judgement on it? I actually have to say it's a good story. While I think it could benefit a bit more if it wouldn't jump around from different settings so much, as well as clean up a few of the discrepancies in the latter paragraphs, we have to keep in mind that this is simply a lighthearted and carefree story. While I could summarize the message of this story in a verbose and dull manner, I think this simple quote will suffice:

_(Ferris Bueller: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.)_

Now, with that finished, let's move along to the second story: The Photo in my Boot.

**Arceus the Critic**

**"The Photo in my Boot" by Hoenn Master96**

* * *

_**The Photo in my Boot**_

_By: Hoenn Master96_

_One-Shot. A young man reflects upon his quest, remembers his wife, and hopes for a better future._

* * *

What I find to be interesting about this is not that it is a romance, which I have never reviewed, but who's writing it. Hoenn Master is a brilliant writer of action with a few dashes of theology, and more often than not his plots are captivating (even the cover image of the story is relevant to the plot in this), so I find it curious that he would write fluff of all things. Well, let's see if he can pull it off.

* * *

_Unova: a vast and diverse region, filled with many strange and assorted creatures, even amongst Pokémon._

* * *

Aren't they all?

* * *

_Outside of Mistralton City, a small village dominated primarily by the large airport and associated buildings surrounding it, lays an ancient, but mostly forgotten cave, which shares its name with the nearby town. Within this cave, a young man sat, hunched over a fire, examining a photograph by the light of a small fire. The young man wasn't outrageously handsome, but he was by no means homely, either: he had short, dark sandy blonde hair, almost in a buzz cut, but not quite, a tan face with a strong but proportionate chin, and a long, straight nose. His thick, dark eyebrows were set low, his eyes, without moving a muscle, set into an impassive almost-scowl which had served him well in his line of work; however, his eyebrows were currently furrowed with concentration as he continued to make sure to memorize the image he was holding up to the light of the dying embers of his fire._

* * *

Well, Hoenn Master certainly provides an excellent description of the unnamed main character.

* * *

_After some minutes passed, the man relaxed, sitting down fully upon a thick sleeping bag set closely to the dying fire, still clutching the photograph in his gloved fingers, but pulling one of his heavy combat boots closer to himself as he lay down. The man's thoughts wandered as he gazed upon the photograph of his wife of three months, the passionate, often excitable, but kind, charitable, and gentle Gym Leader known as Skyla of Mistralton City._

* * *

I have to give Hoenn Master credit; in one paragraph he's given more personality to Skyla than the anime did in an entire episode.

* * *

_The man sighed; it hadn't been his choice to leave her behind so soon, but a Pokémon Ranger, even one as decorated and influential as himself, had duties and assignments to accomplish. Thankfully, the assignment he was given was close to home; namely, establish and maintain the area around, and including, Mistralton Cave. Unfortunately, the assignment took him away from his own bed for over a month, taking up a full third of the time he had so far been married to his wife. He looked up from the photo once the light grew too dim to properly see, banked the fire, and gently slid the photo into a clear slot in the side of his boot before sealing it tightly to keep it from getting damaged by anything. Finally, he laid back fully and calmly waited for sleep to take him while he remembered fondly how the photograph had been taken._

* * *

Cue flashback!

* * *

_**Flashback: Three months prior. Slateport City, Hoenn**_

* * *

_"Come on, Richard! We need to hurry up, the sunset's almost started!" Skyla squealed, skipping up and down excitedly on the beach._

_Swanna, Skyla's partner Pokémon who was walking beside her mistress, sported a necklace, parasol, and straw hat: her Swoobat, unable to be adorned lest it interrupt its flying ability remained the same, flying overhead the newlyweds, and Unfezant, the normally somewhat prideful Pokémon was somehow roped into hopping around with a pink inner tube and yellow sunglasses, the bird Pokémon walking calmly ahead of her trainer. When Richard had first seen Skyla's Pokémon, 'dolled up' as she had put it, he almost burst out laughing at the idea. Almost. He was, after all, not suicidal enough to mock, unintentionally or not, his wife's decisions, even if the idea of putting clothes and/or accessories on a Pokémon was a somewhat ridiculous one to him._

* * *

You're in Hoenn. You're from Hoenn. Contests originated in Hoenn. How is dressing up Pokémon ridiculous to you?

* * *

_Richard, who was relegated to the position of carrying all of the beach-going equipment, walked on the concrete boardwalk just off of the beach, whilst Skyla and her Pokémon walked slightly behind and below upon the sand. The blonde sensed a prime opportunity approaching, and he stealthily brought out the camera that his wife had brought along with them, just for moments like the one quickly forming before him. They were moments which were perfect, not because they were aesthetically perfect, but because they were candid and the occupants were still clearly happy._

_"Hey, Skyla!" Richard called, hoping that that his wife wouldn't catch on immediately to what he was about to do._

* * *

How can you "stealthily" bring out a camera, aim it, and finally take a picture while holding all of the beach equipment?

* * *

_"What is it, Richard?" Skyla asked, holding her arm up in an attempt to shade her face from the waning sunlight, Swoobat swooping low just in time for Richard to snap the photo, and have him take up the extreme upper left portion of the picture._

* * *

Hoenn Master would later get ahold of this picture and place it in the extreme upper left portion of the story.

* * *

_What a photo it was, too: Skyla, who had apparently seen the camera just in time, had winked and tightened her arm into a playful salute. Her other eye, however, had caught at the sunlight just so, which allowed the bright turquoise orb to almost sparkle in the camera's apparatus. Sawanna, Swoobat, and Unfezant were walking calmly but happily in the sand with Skyla, completely carefree and at peace. The redhead's arm, which stretched up in her playful salute, not only framed her face, but it naturally led the eye to her glistening hair, tousled by the sea winds, and finally to her shapely form. Her legs, lightly coated with sand, glistened with small streaks of water left over from a wave which had earlier come up the beach somewhat further than Skyla had expected, and framed with the lengths cloth hanging off of either side of her crème colored bikini bottom._

_When taken as a whole, the photograph somewhat stupefied Richard; he still wasn't used to being able to call this beautiful woman whom he had known so long his wife, even a week after the wedding._

* * *

Another good block of description.

* * *

_"What did you need, Rich?"_

* * *

Just a plot point.

* * *

_"Well, the scene just looked right to me; besides, I need to have something to remember you by when I'm out on a mission somewhere," Richard replied, a rare smile overcoming his features as Skyla giggled and strode up the beach to a set of nearby steps leading onto the boardwalk from the beach._

_As soon as she was within two feet of him, the grinning redheaded woman responded with a happy glint in her eye, "Well then, you'd better keep that picture safe; I don't want my husband to think I looked dingy and wrinkled just because he didn't take care of my picture."_

* * *

I think that's funny. Surprisingly I can't say anything else.

* * *

_Richard laughed lightly at that. "Of course; I love my beautiful wife far too much to allow her picture to be tarnished so easily," after a short pause of easy silence where the couple simply gazed at one another contentedly, the blonde man, a blush quickly crossing his cheeks, once again broke the silence. "I love you, Skyla; really and truly. It brings me an almost indescribable joy to be able to call you my wife."_

_Skyla smiled brightly and before Richard could properly react, stepped forward and tightly embraced her somewhat surprised husband. "I love you too, Richard: I always dreamed of marrying a humble, strong, handsome, caring, and chivalrous man, but I never thought that I would actually find him until I met you. I can't express how happy you've already made me."_

_Richard, being one who really aspired to be humble, flushed a little more deeply at the praise, but nevertheless returned the hug. After about a minute, Skyla broke away, retreated a few steps, and with an even happier grin, blew a kiss towards Richard before returning to the task of locating the perfect place on the beach to watch the sunset._

_Richard's sunglasses slid down his nose slightly as he watched his wife from over their brim for a moment, a deep flush colored his cheeks as he put away the camera and followed his wife onto the beach._

**_Clausula (The End)_**

* * *

Before I get to my Judgement, I would like to see if Hoenn Master has anything to say.

* * *

**A.N.**

**GAH! MY HANDS! WHAT DID YOU WRITE?!**

* * *

Pretty good fluff.

* * *

**Seriously, I've never written anything this fluffy before. EVER.**

* * *

That explains quite a lot.

* * *

***It is roughly translated as: "The tale has concluded" in Latin.**

***Updated A.N.***

**Well, it's been quite a while since I've even looked at this story, and I just couldn't resist bringing it up to the standards I currently have for myself, especially since this story is to be featured on the finale of Arceus the Critic, by Imperator Justinian. I hope it meets this satisfaction!**

* * *

Ah, well, I'm flattered.

* * *

**Signed: Hoenn Master, forever a patriot.**

* * *

So what is my Judgement on it? I'd have to say that this is, unexpectedly, good fluff. While I usually try to avoid reviewing romance, fluff in particular, I figured I would make an exception for this since it was simply so unexpected. While I do think that Hoenn Master's formal tone, which carries over from _The Chronicles of the Aura Knights _in some places, works against him, this story still had excellent description and well-developed emotions.

So, before I begin with the final review, let me posit this question to you: have you read Aura Wielder's _Pokémon World Tour_? Well, even if you haven't I'm sure you've seen it in passing or have at least heard of it. I'm not going to go into the details of the "plot", since there is next to nothing regarding that minor detail, but the premise is that a female version of me gets a small group of volatile and psychotic legendaries, crams them on a plane, and takes them around earth to various place. Insanity ensues.

So what if I told you; not only did I find a story that, despite being nearly a fifteenth of the length of World Tour, was just as insane, ridiculous and outlandish? And that I would be reviewing it? Well, I for one, get to go on a little "vacation" once this review is over.

_(Arceus sighed deeply.)_

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you; The Secret.

**Arceus the Critic**

**"The Secret" by ForkOnTheLeft**

* * *

_Here is the story. Yup. This is it. Right here. Done and do-_

* * *

_(The Looney Toons end theme started to play in the background.)_

That's All Folks!

* * *

_Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon._

_Note: This takes place in a place I call Legendary Mansion. It is in a dimension only legendaries can go to. It is like the Hall of Origin just with room for every legendary and then some._

* * *

Thank you for that explanation. I don't think we could have ever discerned the definition of mansion were it not for that.

* * *

_'Uxie, Now that I have told you this secret, you must not tell anyone. Clear?_

_"Yes master Arceus, I will guard this secret with my life."_

_"Good. You are dismess-desmer- You can go now"_

_"Yes master. And by the way, the word is dismissed.", Said Uxie before leaving._

* * *

_(Arceus looks mortified.)_

Back in my review of Children of Creation, I disliked the fact that I was portrayed as not being able to effectively control my sons, but I still respected the portrayal since it was consistent and plausible. This on the other hand, is just idiotic. The stuttering never comes back in the story, it's just there for a poor attempt at a laugh.

_(Masamune: Imbecile!)_

And why on earth is there an apostrophe in the first sentence but the rest are quotation marks!?

* * *

_Little did they know, a certain pink feline was evesdropping. He teleported to his room and took out his phone. He then texted to Celebi , 'arceus told uxie a secret i wonder wat it is' Celebi then texted to Victini, Victini texted to Reshiram, and before they knew it, everyone was wondering what the secret was._

* * *

If you can teleport then why do you need a phone!?

* * *

_The next day..._

* * *

Uxie get mercilessly assailed by a series of idiotic Legendaries who want to know what the secret is. And what is Uxie's reason to keep the secret rather than end all of our misery?

_(Elwood Blues: We're on a mission from God.)_

Eh... Close enough.

* * *

_Uxie gets up out of bed. Someone puts his robe on him. He goes to the kitchen to get some cofee. Someone pours some in his mug and gives it to him. He says 'thank you' and drinks some. He then comes to his senses and is so surprised, he almost opens his eyes._

* * *

Why is everything in the present tense? Is this one of DragonNiro's older stories?

_(Pre-recorded booing can be heard in the background.)_

Yes, yes, I know Kyurem already did that joke.

* * *

_'GOOD MORNING UXIE!' Screams his sisters, Azelf and Mesprit._

_'Azelf, Mesprit.' Says Uxie calmly. 'Yes?' 'WHAT THE BLEEP ARE YOU DOING!?'_

* * *

That's a question we're all asking. The only difference is we're asking the author.

* * *

'_We were just helping our favorite brother in the whole world that loves to tell us secrets.'_

_'What? I thought we were being nice to get him to tell us the secre*PUNCH* I mean it's just cuz your our brother and we love you!'_

_Uxie still doesn't buy it. 'I still don't buy it.' See?_

* * *

_(Arceus blinks a few times in disbelief.)_

W-What!?

* * *

_Uxie still doesn't buy it. 'I still don't buy it.' See?_

* * *

This... This goes above and beyond breaking the fourth wall.

* * *

_'Azelf he's onto us! Get him!' Azelf tackles Uxie and pins him onto the ground._

_'Tell us the secret that Arceus told you!' said Mesprit_

_'No! It's a secret! That's the whole point! Wait a minute- how did you know Arceus told me a secret?! '_

_'Mew texted to every-don't dodge the question!' Azelf almost explained._

_'It wasn't really a question as much as it was a comman-' ' Tell us the damn secret already!' Azelf yelled._

_'I think you should tell her. She might kill you if you don't.'_

_'NEVER!' Uxie screams._

* * *

Good Lord... we're barely a third in and already this story has more Ham and Cheese than a deli. And why did the author suddenly transition from using quotation marks to apostrophes!?

* * *

_'TELL. US. NOW. OR. ELSE!'_

_'Or else what?' says Uxie smugly._

_'Or else we'll do 'you know what'.'_

* * *

_(Cardinal Ximinez: Biggles, fetch the cushions!)_

* * *

_'OKAY, OKAY! *yawn* Man, I sure am tired.'_

_'*yawn* Yeah me too.' yawned Azelf._

_'Maybe it's because we just woke up' said Mesprit._

_'Anyways, tell us the secret.'_

_'Okay, the secret is...'_

_Azelf and Mesprit both fall asleep.*_

_'Works every time.' said Uxie, chuckling to himself 'Now, to find Mew, and kick his furry little ass.'_

* * *

I'm too distracted by how much I hate this story to even care about Mew right now.

* * *

_Later..._

_A bunch of legendaries are sitting in a room murmuring among themselves._

_'Settle down, settle down. QUIET1 I MEAN QUIET!' yelled Mesprit_

_Everyone shut up._

_' As most of you know, Arceus has told my brother Uxie a secret. It is our job to find out what because we are nosy jerks. Any ideas or questions on how we'll do this?_

* * *

Do I even have to point out what's wrong with this section!?

_(Genesect: Grammar mistakes, Grammar mistakes everywhere!)_

* * *

_'We should threaten to beat him up until he spills the beans! And the secret too!' says Zekrom._

_'Nah bro, we should say we'll give him a cookie if he tells us!' says Reshiram._

_'Dude, your idea sucks massive butts.' says Zekrom._

_'No, your idea sucks massive butts!' says Reshiram_

* * *

How drunk were Zekrom and Reshiram when they partook in this lovely piece of dialogue?

* * *

_'I know! We should beat him up, then give him a cookie to make him feel better!' said Kyurem._

_'I have an idea. Shut up.' says Celebi_

* * *

So do I: I think I will show this to Kyurem so he can viciously mutilate the author for this scene.

_(Arceus' eyes flashed for a moment.)_

Or perhaps I can cut out the middleman entirely and decimate you myself!

* * *

_'Maybe we could send Cresselia and by the time she's done with him, he'll have to tell us the secret' Darkrai said with a chuckle. Cresselia replied by Silver winging him in the...erm...pokeballs. All the males winced._

_'I think you just confirmed his point, Cress.' said Palkia._

_'Shut up!' said Cresselia._

_'How about we just be nice to him, and get him to tell the secret by mistake?' Latias suggested._

* * *

Finally an intelligent piece of dialogue!

* * *

_'Nah, Uxie's smarter than that. He is the Being of Knowledge.' said Mesprit_

_'How about we use his knowledge against him?' said Mewtwo._

_'What do you mean?' said Azelf._

_'I mean, we use reverse psychology and make him tell us the secret by making him feel smart.'_

* * *

That's not reverse psychology, that's shameless flattering. Politicians do it all the time. So they get Phione to go in and try to coax the secret out of Uxie, only for it to go exactly as all of us know it will.

* * *

_Uxie was currently kicking Mew's ass, as he said he would do earlier. After he was done doing so, he saw Phione coming into view._

_'Hi Uxie!'_

_'Hi Phione.'_

* * *

How casual can you be!?

_(Jerry Seinfeld: Nothing really, just a homicide.)_

* * *

_'Uh...have I ever told you how smart you are? And how good at keeping secrets I am?'_

_'Look, If this is about the secret, forget it. I swore to Arceus I would not tell anyone until it was time for it to be revealed. So no.'_

_'Please?'_

_'No.'_

_'Pretty please with a cherry on top?'_

_'I don't care what the please looks like, nor what it has on top of it, the answer is still no.'_

_'You're an ass.' Phione said, pouting and crossing her arms._

_'Watch your language missy.' Said Uxie teasingly. 'How did that word get it's way into your vocabulary?'_

_'Shut the hell up.' said Phione._

_'What did I just say?' said Uxie. 'Anyways, I'm not telling anyone.'_

_'Okay then. I guess we have to do this the hard way.'_

_'What?' Said Uxie, puzzled._

_*THONK*_

_'Thanks Manaphy.'_

_'No prob.' said Manaphy, holding a baseball bat._

* * *

After all of this, I wish I am unconscious as well.

* * *

_Uxie woke up tied to a chair, in front of a bunch of legendaries. His head hurting for some reason._

_'Where am I? And why does my head hurt'_

_'You're in the auditorium. And Manaphy hit you with a baseball bat.' Said Mesprit._

_'And you're gonna tell the secret or else you know what'_

* * *

___(Cardinal Ximinez: Cardinal Fang! Fetch... the Comfy Chair!)_

* * *

_'NEVER!'_

_'Okay, but you asked for it.'_

_Azelf blasted Nyan Cat on her laptop._

_'NOOOOOO! MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP!' Uxie begged._

_'The only way to make it stop is to tell the secret' Said Mesprit._

_'OKAY, OKAY!'_

* * *

Good Lord! These... These...

_(Masamune: Imbeciles!)_

Make the Spanish Inquisition look competent at getting confessions.

* * *

_Azelf stops the annoying music._

_'I didn't want it to come to this but...'_

_'GET ON WITH IT!' Lugia yells._

* * *

The one decent joke in the entire story, Ladies and Gentlemen.

* * *

_Uxie sighs. 'Okay...' He says with a devious look on his face. He then opens his eyes._

_'Uh... what are we doing here again?' Says Meloetta as Uxie unties himself._

_'I...I can't remember.' Kyogre says._

_'Whatever it is, it has something to do with Uxie...' said Cobalion._

_'Uh... yeah... I was um... doing a magic act. And now, for my final trick, I will make myself disappear!' Uxie teleported to his room._

_'Phew...glad that's over.' Uxie muttered to himself._

* * *

All of us are.

* * *

_The next day..._

_All the Legendaries are at a meeting. Arceus is standing on a pedestal, With Giratina next to him._

_'I have called you all for an important reason. Uxie, I trust you have told no one of this?' Said Arceus, sounding important._

_'Of course not, Arceus.' Uxie replied with a smirk._

_'Wow. Okay. Now here is the reason I have called you.'_

_Everyone leans forward in anticipation._

_'It's... I have invented a new move only legendaries can learn. It is called Legendary Strike.'_

_'Really?' says Cobalion._

_'Nah, I just added a Coffee maker to the break room and the cafeteria.'_

* * *

_(Arceus blinks a few times and then growls.)_

This entire story was for NOTHING!

* * *

_I'm glad you're all enthusiastic about it. If you want to get some Mew or Victini, ask a bigger legendary._

_Arceus sent a telekinetic message to the bigger legendaries. 'Do not, I repeat, do NOT let Mew or Victini have caffiene. Give them decaf but dont let them notice.'_

_Two minutes later, everyone is gone except Arceus, Giratina, and Uxie._

_'I TOLD YOU, IN YO FACE SUCKA! I FINALLY WON A BET AGAINST ARCEUS! WOO! ' Said Giratina as he danced happily_

_'Wait, WHAT!? This was a BET?!'_

_'Yes, I bet Giratina that you couldn't last a day without telling a secret, what with all those other legendaries being nosy jerks. And as you can see, he won.'_

* * *

_His only weakness is walls._

_Your Legends... are his subordinates._

_We couldn't think of a third description, but we're still doing the parody._

_He is... The Most Interesting Pokémon in the World._

___(The scene suddenly changes to a fancy restaurant, with Arceus sitting on a ridiculously over-sized leather booth. A spanish guitar can be heard being played in the background.)_

I don't always tell secrets. But when I do, I make sure its a completely pointless one that causes suffering to both the character and the audience. Stay sadistic, my friends.

* * *

_'All the hell I went through...FOR A FREAKIN' BET?! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRUST ME! YOU WERE BETTING AGINST ME!'_

_'Well, It'll be satisfying to see Arceus have to do everything we say for three days, right?' Giratina said to Uxie with a smirk._

_'Yes. Yes it will.' Said Uxie with an evil smile._

* * *

And with that The Secret is finally finished. My mistake, the author leaves a small note at the end promising more. Fortunately he has yet to deliver. So what's my Judgement on it? Do I even have to say? Just avoid this story for your own sake. Now if you excuse me, I have to go find Mew.

* * *

Arceus floated away from the computer and into the Grand Hall, searching for Mew. Fortunately he found her hovering over a 3DS, still dressed in the costume, and eagerly pressing the buttons on the device. Just as Arceus was about to say something, the doors to the hall swung open, and in walked a certain warlord with messy brown hair, still dressed in his pajamas.

"Imbecile!"

"How on earth did you get in here?" Arceus asked, bewildered. Mew on the other hand, was to enraptured in her game to notice.

"I'm a plot device! I don't have to explain myself as long as everything works out in the end!" Masamune proudly declared. "That, and you really need to repair the doors on the Infinite Tower." Arceus then mentally slapped himself for forgetting the pathway that lay in that ancient structure that led to the Hall.

"Now, I'll be taking these back." He said as he picked up his dueling pistols, then proceeded to lift up Mew.

"Hey!" she shouted, finally being shaken out of her stupor as he pulled his helmet off of her. When she saw who was holding her, Mew's eyes grew wide.

"Oh my gosh! You're Masamune, you're my favorite character in Conquest! Can I have your autograph!?" Mew squealed, giving the warlord the best puppy eyes she could muster. Masamune seemed shocked, but then proceeded to take the eyepatch off the small Pokémon.

"Yeah... I'll think about that..." he muttered as he walked off with his belongings. "Back in Avia."

* * *

Having found the scene in the Grand Hall to be to surreal for his taste, Arceus returned to his study. Before he could turn the computer off, a familiar voice rang out from it.

"So is this the end of your career as a critic?" Arceus blinked a few times before turning to his friend on the massive screen.

"No. But I feel I need a brake. Things have gotten to hectic for my tastes ever since I started. I believe a hiatus is in order."

"Are you so sure about that?"

"I am, Justinian, I am. I had a good run, but even I need to rest."

"Until then, my friend." Arceus only nodded at the Civilization Leader before pressing the power button on the side of the computer, watching as the screen faded away.

* * *

**The End**

**_Special Thanks:_**

_Matthias Unidostres_

_Mr. Grool_

_And to all my readers who encouraged me to continue_

**_Credits:_**

_Keldeo the Critic - Season Two_

_Gods and Mortals_

_Pokémon X/Y_

_Pokémon Conquest_

_Monty Python and the Holy Grail_

_Ferris Bueller's Day Off_

_Star Wars_

_Nostalgia Critic: Ghost Rider_

_Spaceballs_

_Madagascar_

_The Chronicles of the Aura Knights_

_Pokémon World Tour_

_Looney Toons_

_Children of Creation_

_The Blues Brothers_

_Kyurem the Critic _

_Monty Python's Flying Circus_

_The Angry Bug Show_

_Seinfeld - The Masseuse _

_The Most Interesting Man in the World_

_Civilization Series_

* * *

**Note from the Author:**

I mean no disrespect or insult to AuraWielder or DragonNiro. Both of them are really great authors and I recommend you check out their stories.

The part where I mentioned Arceus' only weakness was walls is because I find a recurring pattern in stories involving him that the only thing that he can't seem to easily defeat are walls.

As for Masamune, well, since I use that quote so much I figure I might as well give a fan favorite a cameo.

Anyways, until Season Two.


End file.
